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August 29, 2007 - Wednesday, 10:52 p.m.

Why didn't someone slap me?

Why am I so stupid? Why do I think things might change? This was a bad night and I feel like a BIG fool. ::sighs:: Am I so dense that I refuse to see things? I think he is just avoiding me, but in a very nice way. ::sighs:: I need to stop staying so long when I go to see him. I so totally want to be there, but I think 20 minutes of me is enough for him; then he is just politely waiting for me to leave. I am pretty darn sure I am red... fucking redÖ yet again. He just hasnít figured out a way to tell me yet, but I am sure he will. Why do I always fall for someone who doesnít fall for me? I was so hoping it would be different this time. This is so totally one sidedÖ itís just me. There has to be something wrong with me. No matter what anyone says, there is always a Ďbutí at the end of the sentence. You are nice, butÖ. You are so sweet, butÖ. Itís so nice to have you visit, butÖ Itís really so fun to hang out with you, butÖ. Iíd love to go do that with you, butÖYa..ya.. I am AWESOME. I am SOOOOooo nice. SO what?!?! He says that, but then he has a number of OTHER friends that are AWESOME too. I am SOOOOooo stupid. ::sighs::

We play this game online. I switched servers so I could play with him. I worked for 3 months to get my character close to a level of ANY of his characters. He helped me about 8 times. Mostly he played his level 70 guy with other people, often with complete strangers. It was the activity, not the company. The rest of the time I either played alone, with his son, or sometimes with any group I could find. About two weeks ago he started working on a character about 10 leaves lower then me, and I stopped leveling to help him catch up with me. But really, for the most part, he gets online before me and if ANY one asks him to do anything heís already occupied when I get online. The group of people I was playing with have leveled up now (about 10 levels ahead of me) and now HEís playing with them with his guy that is 10 level above me. So now Iím not even playing with the group I was enjoying playing with. Iím not playing with himÖ Iím back to playing alone. This so totally sucks!! That was my problem on the server with my sister. She always was working on stuff with her friends and I was always trying to catch up. I got close to them, but then they managed to stay about 2 or 3 levels ahead and they had always already finished whatever quests I was working on. I am so good about helping other people, but nobody helps me consistently. Nobody is wishing Iíd catch up with them. I was hoping maybe it would be different, but it isnít. I donít want pity help.

SHIT, Iíve done it again!! I have progressed to a point with him where I want to do something with him, and I donít care what it is. I just want to be with him. And he is at that other level; the one where you want to do something, and if the other person happens to be around then great, but if they arenít doing something YOU want to do, then too bad for them. SHIT!! I am there for the company and he is there for the activity. Why canít it be, just this once that they are there for the company too? That they just want to be with me, and it doesnít matter what I am doing. Like I said, I am stupid.

I would give people the shirt off my back, but there arenít many people there rooting for me and being there for me. I have a couple friendsÖ but they are all pretty involved in their livesÖ and though I love my sisters so much, they really are all too busy to do much with me. Iíve been a third wheel for 16 years, and I am so tired of it. I am sure my friends would be HAPPY to have me hang around some, but always Iím the extra. The fucking extra person ALWAYSÖ

Why did I let my hopes get up? I am so stupid. I just need to accept again that this is my life, no more, no less. Itís me, myself and I against the world. If I make it I make it, if I donít I donít. Period. There isnít going to be a team behind me. There isnít going to be anyone helping me do stuff. I need to do it myself, whatever it is. I need to get back out in the yard. I meant to get so much done this summer, but I didnít. I was going to lay down hose for a sprinkler system. I was going to put down rock. I was going to have a garden. There are a few plants out there, but I didnít take care of them this year. The yard is full of weeds. The house is a mess. I need to find a new job if I ever want to retire.

Iíve now spent an hour crying. I was on the edge of it most of the night. I have a headache and wish I had some really good prescription that would make me sleep and not care. I just want to crawl under the covers and not come out for days. I donít want to go to work, I just want to run awayÖ ::sighs:: Who would even notice?!? Who would care?!? Only the people that didnít have me there to do the stuff they needed done.

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