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August 27, 2007 - Monday, 2:30 a.m.

Sleepless Nights...

A few weeks ago I realized that my blog was linked to myspace and that S would have access to my blog and that perhaps I should monitor what I write. But the reality of it is, he’s never going to go out and read it, and really so very few people read it that it would never matter what I wrote.

I have feelings for S. I can’t image him not being a part of my life. He makes me happy when I’m around him. I find him to be VERY attractive. I don’t know what to think. Some days I totally believe that anything is possible and that by some miracle S will realize I am standing here and that he has feelings for me beyond friendship. And then there are days like today, where I am sure he has no interest in me whatsoever except for friendship. Tonight we were on ventrilo with a small group of people. And S mentioned one of his characters which he’d named “Thewife”. Someone asked him about it… and he made a comment about perhaps it should now be ‘TheExWife” or perhaps “WifeinTraining”. But what really made everything stand still was when he said, now if I could just find a woman. Dear God. I thought my heart was going to stop beating. I had such a sick feeling I can’t tell you. I sat there feeling like my heart was breaking. HELLO, do you not see me standing here? Am I NOT a woman? Perhaps I am more similar to a piece of furniture. It makes you comfortable, but you never think about it at all. Eventually I whispered to him in game, “If you are really looking for a woman, you should look around you…”. He completely did NOT respond to that. He didn’t even acknowledge that he’d heard it. And as there was a pretty good lull going on, I am sure that he read it.

I have this dreadful feeling that this is going to turn out like all the rest of the ‘relationships’ in my life… That I am going to be fucking red YET again. ::sighs:: That he sees me as this really great friend, but is completely not attracted to me. This is like the story of my life. I am going to be forever fucking red, and never purple. This is why I decided to quit looking, and to just accept that this is my life. There is just me, and no matter how many friends come along in my life, no one is ever going to want to spend the rest of their life with me. I’m just this wonderful friend who would do anything for her friends, take the shirt off her back, spend her last dime to do whatever she can for them, but still… I can hear it. You are such an amazing friend, but… GAH!! I just don’t feel that way about you. I can say that he isn’t ready all I want… but it’s just an excuse, as soon as he is ready I’m not even going to be in the ball game. I’ll be on the sidelines, cheering him on, and when he looks my way, I’ll just blend into the rest of the people on the bleachers.

I so want to cling to what Charlotte said about not understanding why I’m not finding anyone when I am so easy to love. I want to believe that is true, but it doesn’t feel true. It feels like a silly dream to think that anyone is ever going to want me in their life beyond whatever I’m willing to give into that bottomless pool….

Lately that poem I wrote a few years ago (actually it has been over 10 years ago now) has been echoing in my mind….


Pieces of My Heart

I lost a piece of my heart today
I picked it up to put it away
When a young man asked what it could be
I gave it to him to let him see

He dropped it lightly into his palm
It beat and glowed and made him calm
He closed his hand and gave a grin
Then to his breast he held it in

That wondrous glow that came from there
Engulfed his soul and filled the air
With warmth and peace and love and light
He cried with joy and held it tight

The smile he wore to me he gave
He thanked me there and then a wave
I watched him take that piece away
My love he has ‘til his last day.

March 14, 1997

I am constantly giving away pieces of my heart, and though people seem to gladly take it, they simply take it away. I never seem to get a piece of their heart back. Sometimes it feels like my heart is shattered into so many pieces that it’ll never be whole again. So many people walking around with pieces, it just makes my chest ache with emptiness. I don’t even want the pieces back. I gave them all away willingly. I was just hoping someone would share their heart with me. I never stop loving any of them… but eventually I can pretty much stop being in love with them if enough time passes.
I know.. I know I’ll survive. I am great at surviving.


This in another poem I wrote about 8 months earlier…. It still is so very true…

Loss

As the moments of my life drip upon the sands of time
I allow passing souls to grasp onto this heart of mine
Into the very depths of me is where they have crept
To hollow out a space in which I hope they’ll be kept

Those pieces of my life bring me such happiness and hope
They fill my heart with love and with my life they help me cope
They touch my heart with joy and pain
They make me laugh and keep me sane

Each soul that arrives to touch my life
I wish to nurture and guard from strife
The care and love I hold inside
They’ve never found or even tried

A silent love always within my heart
It never leaves and they find no part
They don’t seem to see it in my eyes
For they never look and no one tries

No open path for love to flow
It sits and waits and they’ll never know
How much was there for each of them
A vault of gold, a precious gem

As life does pass those souls I hold dear
Move on you see and from my life they disappear
My heart it aches as they each leave
And I don’t think I can bear to grieve

The love seeps out upon the ground
The tears they fall without a sound
My heart it breaks and I cry alone
I watch them leave and it is never known

July 7, 1996

I am feeling that emptiness tonight. I’m afraid to hope for the best, for the disappointment would be overwhelming if it didn’t come to pass.

Later... in the morning…

I completely realize that what I wrote him may have just slipped by on the screen. He doesn’t always pay attention to it. I also realize that I only want someone in a relationship with me if they WANT to be there. I’m never going to MAKE someone love me, it isn’t possible. It happens or it doesn’t….

Really… bottom line… I want him in my life some way and if friendship is all he has for me, that’ll have to be enough…

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