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August 31, 2007 - Friday, 11:46 p.m.

Feeling alone...

Friday – 1:47 AM.

I guess my feelings were hurt more then I realized. I never did seem to shake my mood today. I decided about half way through my day that I want to play where I am going to have someone to play with. My sister said I should come onto her server and play with her. I did that tonight once I got home from my massage.

I called him this morning to see how he was doing. Guess he was doing okay, though still hurting. I told him to give me a call if he needed anything today. I also told him to let me know if he wanted me to bring over the lasagna tonight. He never did call. Guess he didn’t need anything, nor did he want the lasagna. I guess we’ll eat it for dinner tomorrow night. I let him know that if he wants a ride to 3 Stags this weekend to let me know by Friday night. I don’t expect that he’ll call about that either. Tuesday I gave him the leather, dye and ring to make a black belt for me for my SCA clothes. Since he had that accident I don’t expect he’ll get it done before Saturday morning, so I have arrangements to borrow a belt from Sheri for my outfit on Sunday. I’ll wear the other dress I made on Saturday. I am unhappy with my sleeves on that dress. I may look at what I can do to it tomorrow to make myself happy with it.

I think over that last few months I have been the person that wanted to do things together. You know I totally deserve to have someone in my life that WANTS to spend time with me. I guess we’ll see if he makes any effort. If not… there is very little that I can do. At this point I have no idea if he is just relieved that I am not around or if he’ll miss me. I know I’ll miss him if he doesn’t contact me, but it’ll also be a way for me to get used to that idea that he isn’t interested and that it has always been just me.

I have such a cloud hanging over me. Gloom and sadness…. It’s still hovering there. I am tempted to call in sick tomorrow. I feel so fragile. I probably have almost 80 hours of PTO left. Camille and I were going to go to Seattle in October, but now it looks like she won’t be able to do that. So it is looking like no vacation this year.

I am exhausted. It almost 2 am. I need to sleep some. Later….

Friday – 11:00 pm

I made myself go to work this morning. It was hard to get up. It was a quiet day. My mood didn’t diminish today. I am ready to go to 3 Stags. Well… as ready as I am going to be I guess. I’ve set my alarm for 5:30 am! GAH!! I hate getting up early. He never did call me tonight, so I am guessing that he decided not to go with tomorrow. I played some tonight with Camille. Not for very long, I decided I really needed to try to get some sleep. I wish… I wish he would have called.

It’s not like I want to play a game with him, but I think perhaps I have been around too much, and mostly at my insistence. I could be wrong, but I think perhaps he needs a break from me. He needs to figure out if he even wants me around, or if I am just around because I keep showing up. I missed him a lot tonight. I wanted to log in and play with him and talk to him. But I realize that I don’t even know if he really wants to spend time with me or not. I keep showing up and to be polite he about has to be nice to me.

My feelings really were hurt the other night. I guess it was that realization that the activity was more important then me. It was like the straw that broke the camels back. Not only was he not planning to play with me at all, but he was playing with the group of people I’d made friends with on the server. So I was alone. It totally sucked!! I have spent so much time in my life, where I wanted to spend time and do things with people, but they never wanted to spend time or do things with me, unless I was doing what they wanted to do. Again that whole thing of the activity being more important the person you are doing the activity with. For me who I was doing things with has always been more important then what we were doing.

I want to know that he wants me around. And the more days that pass where he doesn’t say anything, the less I will believe he wants me around. Always it seems the men in my life only think about me if I am standing there, none of them ever seemed to spend any time thinking of me once I was out of sight. It has always seemed that I am very easy to forget. I have probably gone over the top of letting him know that I want to be around him, to a point at which I think I made him uncomfortable. It doesn’t feel like I can do anything more without making it a situation that he’d start to actively avoid. And I don’t want to be avoided.

I’m just going to try to stay away some, to leave him space to think or do what he wants without having to take me into consideration. I know I am going to miss being around him, but I can’t keep making it happen. If he wants me around, I want him to actually choose that.

It is a good thing that I made plans for 3 Stags this weekend, because if I hadn’t I would have crawled under a rock here and avoided everyone. I am still feeling quiet and alone in my mind. I don’t know that I’ll be ready to go back to work on Tuesday. I am still going to need some of that alone time to process this and heal a little.

I keep thinking of that dragonfly… a prairie rose and the three forget-me-nots. Truly a reflection of who I am. Rebirth… a flower that thrives on the wind swept plains and the forget-me-nots… exactly what I wish for… for someone that forgets me not! Not that anyone ever really sees that tattoo, but I know it is there and it always reminds me of who I am and what I want.

I have been thinking about another tattoo. :o) It’s coalescing in my mind. Not that my mother would be happy… but I think I’d like to get it depending upon what happens in my life. Once I am closer to figuring it out exactly I’ll talk about it more.

I’m missing him tonight, even if he doesn’t miss me.

::hugs:: M.

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