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July 19, 2007 - Thursday, 11:29 p.m.
What a joy it has been to get to know Moon. To watch my boys grow into men I am proud to have in my life. They are all getting ready to embark on life on their own. And it is something that I think they all need to do. Step into life on their own two feet. It will however, completely change my day to day life.
In some ways it's exciting to look at entering a new chapter in my life, and in other ways it's just plain scary. When every moment of your life is consumed with raising your kids and worrying about them, what do you do when they are gone? To go from daily involvement with what is happening in their lives to maybe once a month, and in a much more removed arena. I don't think I know what I'll do with myself. My purpose in life has been to be a parent first, (family, friend and employee somewhere after that), to provide for and take care of my boys. My sisters will drop back to their marriages once their kids are gone, but for me... it's just me.
On the journey, that is my life, I have been walking a path alone with my three boys for about 15 years, but we are upon a crossroads and they will all move off in different directions. Where will my path go? I can't just sit down at the crossroads and wait, I have to move forward. It's like I've been in a meadow for a long time. It might have been bumpy along the way, but I could see my boys. It is as though we are entering a wood now. Very quickly that which is around me and them, will obscure them from my vision and I will be alone.
What will my days look like? What do I want them to look like? What purpose will I embrace? I don't think I make a very good single person. Some people, you can just tell, are content alone perhaps even desire it. I am a nurturing caregiver, what will I do with no one to nurture or take care of? My childhood ambition, to be a Mom, is coming to a close. The other part of that ambition, to be a wife, has been long past. Now what? I don't have these massive dreams to excel in my occupation. I'd like to be paid enough to live comfortably, but somehow I can see me letting work consume my life. I don't want to play away the years of my life on the computer. I don't know... I know I have many options, but I don't know which of them will really make me happy. It makes me tired just thinking about it.
Well... I pretty much got my dress put together tonight. I should be done with it completely by the end of the weekend.