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June 02, 2006 - Friday, 2:22 a.m.
I recall reading a book a number of years ago called Soul Mates. There was something in there about how the soul gravitates to the known and comfortable. How eventually home calls to you. I am feeling that way about my life. At work there is great comfort in the known. I like my space. I like knowing what my day will bring. Itís the same with my house. I like being here. It feels comfortable and safe. It feels like home. I can feel that the balance of my life is going to be upset. Not that it is bad or good, itís just different. Iíll be changing to a new job, perhaps a new place to live as well in a new city. It all feels unsettling. I know change is eminent, but still I am struggling with it mentally. I am starting to look for a job. I feel myself dragging my feet on the one hand and panicking on the other as I worry about my finances. Itís scary. I am worried about not finding anything. Every day I can feel the acceptance of my departure settling in with people at work. I can feel that it is time to change, to move on. But it is scary.
The house is quiet tonight. The boys are sleeping. I watched some TV tonight. I didnít play on the computer. Earlier in the evening I went to the movies with D. We went and saw X-men III. Thatís the second time this week. (I went Tuesday evening with Ethan and Megan.) D and I went out to dinner as well. Once home I just rattled around some. My head hurtsÖ I am restless beyond measure. Itís warm in my room. I am going to try to open the windows up some more. Alas they are already wide open. There seems to be no wind and it is quiet outside. Iíve taken something for my headache, Tylenol PM, perhaps itíll help me sleep as well.
I need to make some time to read. I need to make some time at work. I need to get up and walk away from my desk during the day. I really should just go outside and sit and read like I did last summer for my lunch break. I have a feeling of dread often sneaking up on me. I havenít pinpointed the source, but I think a lot of it is a reaction to the thought of change and the persistent feeling that I am not doing the things that I should. I feel like I have slipped into an escape mode where I am often procrastinating about far too much. Gah!!
I know I am far too tired to continue pondering all of this stuff. I HAVE to try to sleep. As you can see I am agitated. Far too much feels overwhelming.
Sleep my dearÖ sleep. M.