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September 27, 2005 - Tuesday, 6:47 p.m.

Tuesday... Schmusday...

The days slip by. I can't believe September is almost over. As a matter of fact another year has nearly passed me by again. Fall is my favorite season. I think it has been nearly all of my life. I have distinctly sharp memories of autumn in my mind. I got to thinking today that I am pretty much in the late summer of my life, and fall is approaching.

I continue to talk on and off to Phil, but as more time passes, the surer I am that he really doesn't have any interest in me, other then a little passing interest a few months ago. I don't believe he is going to try to set up doing anything with me, and it gets easier for me to accept that as more and more days go by. It still makes me sad, but I know the old saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink" certainly lends itself to this situation.

I have found another Jam that happens on Thursday's, but in Manitou. I may take myself to that one for a while after I get back from Phoenix. This Thursday my son is going to go with me to Southside Johnny's to see another band play. (It's another guy that works here that I know). They play really different stuff then what I have been listening to and I look forward to hearing them.

I am really feeling mentally exhausted. I am tired of worrying about everything and everyone. I wish it were as simple as just stopping, but it isn't that way. Iím trying to stay focused with school, but really worry about getting a good job once I am done.

Iíve been continuing to talk to Tim at work. His daughter is back living with him, and is getting her life in order. I have a great desire to meet her, and I am not sure why. Iíve voiced that to Tim, but not too likely that Iíll actually get a chance to meet her. He seems terribly cautious. There really are no other men of interest in my life, other then Phil and Tim. But both seem highly unlikely. I am tired of being on my own, but that is what lies before me. Everything feels kind of big and scary.

It doesnít seem like I have a lot of people to hang out with. Iíve tried with D and K, but both seem to be pretty comfortable in the group of people that they hang with, and though they are very nice to me, I know that I am still on the outside looking in. I am terribly slow at warming to people, and they often lose interest. My sisters are all busy with their lives and rarely have time to hang out with me. Char and Lynnís kids are young and they have a lot going on in their lives. Camille is busy with work and school. And to top it off none of them are night people. Lís time is split between church and T, and with him living with her now, truly all of her leftover time is involved with him.

Iím really going to try to focus on getting out and hiking. I know that for some reason getting outside is really helping how I feel. I know that a big percentage of that Iíll do alone, and really need to think about taking Meganís dogs with me if I am going to do that. My workout stuff is a solitary endeavor. I donít mind doing any of this stuff alone, it just getting myself motivated to get there that is the problem.

Iím feeling a little overwhelmed.

M.

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