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May 24, 2005 - Tuesday, 11:59 pm.

Back to School...

The train is going through town. I can hear it moving along the tracks. The traffic sounds are subdued tonight, but I can hear the crickets chirping. The ceiling fan is quietly whirring, stirring up some cool air. Somehow, summer arrived.

My class started tonight. I have three chapters to read, some 100 pages by tomorrow night, however here I sit. In class the professor had each of us introduce ourselves; talk a little bit about our background and then some idea of where we want to be in five to ten years. I listened as each person spoke. Many had very interesting sounding jobs, most had a really good idea of what directions they are going. I just sat there thinking I have NO idea what kind of a job I want, or what I want to be doing. Somehow saying I want a job that pays better, didn’t seem like much of an aspiration. It bothered me, though, that I really don’t know what I want.

I don’t want an extravagant life; I just want a stable one. I don’t want a powerful job, but would like to have some power over what I do. I’d probably be more happy married, then having a high power career. I do want to travel, but would really like to have someone to travel with and/or come home to. Here I am on this track to becoming a leader and really just want contentment. ::hmmm:: Not that easy to order up.

I’m looking forward to the three day weekend coming up, looking forward to going to Cripple Creek and seeing Phil’s band. He came by to see me again today. He sat in my cube and visited with me for a little while. The last couple of times he’s come by to see me it’s seemed like he’s had something he wanted to say, but never got around to. No idea what, it’s just a feeling. I find that I want to keep him around, visiting with me, but eventually he has to go back to work and so do I. Today when he was down, there seemed to be a steady stream of people coming in and out of my cube. It was hard to visit and yet, I really didn’t want him to leave. I’m hoping to get a chance to talk to him some in an environment other then my cube with people around everywhere. All this wandering around, wondering if someone is interested in you and available just sucks. It would be preferable to just ask, “Are you available? Are you interested? You are? Okay… let's get to know each other. Or… you aren’t? Oh… well, sorry and never mind.”

Phil seems to be a nice balance of stable and yet on the edge somehow… a motorcycle riding, guitar playing, engineer with grown kids and grandchildren. He talks about his parents, kids. grandchildren and friends like they have value in his life. We have some similar interests, and we may have more or we may end up having little in common, but for once here is actually someone I’d like to get to know better. Who knows? I don’t know what to think… I find him intriguing. Strange as it may sound, and as it seems to me, I actually feel open to ‘dating’. I really haven’t even felt comfortable with that thought for a long time, odd to feel comfortable at the moment. Hmmm… well.. I am a little nervous about going to watch the gig, but I will go. I’d like to see what there is to see.

Hmmm… the neighbors are arguing. Fortunately, I can’t hear what they are saying, just raised voices. Hope they stop soon. The house is quiet here. Gah!! I’d better turn on the TV… I’m hearing more then I want to hear. Doors slamming, yelling, crying… ::sighs:: A good reason to go to sleep listening to “Voyager”.

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