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May 22, 2005 - Sunday, 2:50 a.m.

Day dreaming in the dark...

There is something simply lovely about a cool summer evening. When I got home tonight it was just after 10 pm. It smelled wonderful and it was just really nice out after such a hot day. I sat down on the chair on the front step and leaned back, crickets singing. Itís funny how I rarely see crickets around here, but sitting out on the front step I could hear them singing up a storm. I donít really notice the noise of cars from the highway most of the time, but I did tonight. Crickets and cars. I thought to myself, itís a night when one should just lean back and look at the stars. Not terribly practical in the city. Even though it was pretty dark, I really only could see a few stars and a very bright, nearly full moon. No loud radios could be heard, it was pretty quiet out. The guy across the street was watching TV, I suppose, as the blue light flickered from behind the curtains in his front room. Most of the rest of the houses were dark. I sat there thinking how nice it is to sit outside in the dark. If I closed my eyes and tuned out the cars I could have been sitting in the country.

Watering dayÖ itís watering day. I got up and began watering the flowers and bushes in the front yard. It was completely dark, I could hardly see what I was doing, but I walked around the front and back yard, watering everything Iíd noticed earlier in the day seemed to be dying of thirstation. OkayÖ so thirstation isnít a wordÖ but I like to use it anyway. If there is such a thing as starvATION, there should be something called thirstATION. After hand watering most of it I let the sprinkler run in the front yard for a little while and sat back down on the chair on the front step. The Ma cat and Stubby hung around the front porch, pretending they wanted attention but never getting close enough for me to pet. Ma wandered off and then Stubby seemed content to let me pet her for a while.

I meant to accomplish a lot today, but it just didnít happen that way. I was up late, restless again and ended up sleeping in. By the time I woke up this morning it was about 10 am. I thought about all the laundry I needed to do, and that the house needed to be cleaned up. I got up and got dressed and cleaned up the living room. It looked very good, and I knew that I really need to get outside mow the lawn and do some watering. I mowed the lawn. It was terribly hot outside, 90 degrees by noon when I was out there. It doesnít seem like it should have bothered me, but it did. When I came in the house I was a little woozy. I went into the bedroom and lay down on the bed, still in my baseball cap. I had the ceiling fan going and really didnít feel well at all. I lay there trying to cool down, my heart racing. I just kept thinking, ďBreath and lie real still until you cool off.Ē I fell asleep. A couple hours later I woke up long enough to take off the baseball cap and roll over. I then slept a couple hours more. My God! Whatís up with that!!? I woke up at about 5 pm, feeling much better, but knowing that I was going to be awake here in the middle of the night because of that long nap.

Nancy called me about 5:30 pm. Sheís a friend of mine from work. Sheís been gone for about 10 years, and has been nearly that long since I last saw her. Sheíd left a message Friday and Iíd called back leaving a message for her this morning. I went and picked her up and we sat at Chiliís for a while and visited. Sheís about 20 years older then me, but we struck up a friendship about 17 years ago. She worked for me on the production floor at the same place where I work now in Engineering. She wasnít as quick to pick things up as some of the other workers and I took her under my wing and made it a point to make sure she learned everything and wasnít let go. We went to the movies and visited a lot in those days. I remember that she sat in the basement with me after Gary moved out, as I went through all of the boxes in the basement sorting out what was his from what was mine. Gah!! I didnít need help really, I just needed company, and she was happy to sit with me and do that. Iíve always had a soft spot in my heart for her, and was happy to see her tonight and visit. She leaves tomorrow to head back to Pennsylvania, so it was good that we got together when we did. Itís surprising to recall just how much of her life sheís shared with me. It hasnít been an easy life, but she seems happy. Leon, her husband, isnít doing well. His health is failing, though itís been failing most of the time Iíve known her. Seems like he showed back up in her life just in time to have a heart attack, all those years ago, and sheís been taking care of him ever since. It sounds like heís getting progressively worse. Sheís already thinking ahead to what sheíll do once he is gone. Her daughter lives here and wants her to come home, and she probably will.

Iím a terrible day dreamerÖ wellÖ actually I am pretty good at it, but, terrible in the sense that I do it too much. As I sat out in the dark tonight, I thought about how Iíd love a front porch swing and someone to sit with under that stars. I thought about taking a trip to visit Nancy, as she would like me to come and visit. Iíd love to go to the Northeast in the fall. I love autumn, and that is the time of the year I want to see the Northeast. It would make a nice road trip, but then I started thinking about having someone to road trip with. THEN I started thinking about how Iíd like to travel and how much I want to do that with someone. Gah!! Not terribly productive, but still I cast people in the role in my mind. HmmmmÖ how would Mark measure up? Or Phil? Phil measured up far better then Mark, though neither is very likely in the role. Iíd like someone in the role, but it has to be the RIGHT person and there is the rub. I donít just want anyoneÖ it has to be a forever type match. Ah, the words and thoughts that make most grown men run shrieking in the opposite direction. :o) Thatís why I day dream quietly to myself, like sitting in the dark by myself gazing at the stars. Hoping Lís beau will kiss her soon, and hoping that perhaps having a beau of my own is in my near future. Without hope, what is there?

Iím lying in bed in the dark. The windows are open and the drapes drawn so that the breeze is coming in. A candle is burning on the dresser, flickering in the breeze. I probably should get up and blow it out, but itís really comfy here. It was so hot today, and it just feels lovely now. I can hear a train rumbling through town, whistle blowing, and the traffic is quieter now. For once I have the TV turned off, and no music playing, just the breeze and soft whirr of the ceiling fan. Itís quiet. Perhaps Iíll be able to sleep tonight.

Sweet dreams. M.

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