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January 06, 2005 - Thursday, 10:29 p.m.
[p>This morning was beautiful. It was one of those picture-perfect winter mornings. Clear blue skies and sunshine. There was snow clinging to the tree, sharply defining every branch. Gorgeous. The snow has to be just wet enough to get it to stick on every twig. I love how it looked; it reminded me of Christmas cards and Currier & Ives tins. By noon the sun had melted the snow from the twigs and little streams were running in the parking lots and along the edges of the streets, leaving the early morning winter wonderland, just a pleasant memory. By the time I headed for home all the main streets were dry and the only snow left was in the shade. I love Colorado.
After everything, yesterday afternoon Mark called me at work. It came as a surprise, but a pleasant one. I so needed him to acknowledge his not showing up. I needed to know that there was a good reason. It seems that his week off was pretty much a nightmare, from the sounds of it. We talked for about ½ an hour. Guess it started Christmas Eve, with his ex calling him on his cell at work and cussing him out at the top of her lungs for quite a long while. Long enough and loud enough, that Mark’s boss wrote him up for it. I guess the people standing at the grill could hear her, and she was swearing quite badly. It was pretty much down hill from there. He said the kids came back from her house on Christmas Day upset from having to listen to her berate him for most of their time with her. She continued to gripe long and loud to everyone, including their mutual friends. By the time he got to the end of the week he was depressed enough that he’d become physically ill and couldn’t bare to face anyone. Friday (when he was going to be helping me) he spent preparing for a New Years Eve get together, that everyone ended up bowing out of. Seems his ex still has a long reach into his life and friends. He said he spent most of the weekend in his room. He told me that his kids asked if he was okay, and like a good parent he said he was fine. His kids told him that they’ve known him a long time and that they knew is wasn’t okay. He said they told him ‘it isn’t you Dad, it’s her.’ Things that he needed to hear. By Sunday evening he was joyfully looking forward to returning to work. Something to focus on, and people he enjoys to see.
I got to say the things that I wanted to say; so hopefully we have things a little clearer. Don’t know that this is going to go anywhere, and don’t know if I want it to. But I do know that he could use a friend and I can be that. It seems the few minutes I see him everyday at this point is enough for him, and for now that’ll be enough for me. He is getting ready to do a self improvement/personal growth type seminar. I think it’ll really be good for him. Can’t remember the name of the program, though I am sure I’ve heard of it before. I am sure it is ‘new age-y’. I don’t think the relationship he just came out of, this marriage of his, was healthy at all. Getting some focus on who he is and where he is going will be good for him. Perhaps learning to let go, would be good. I think he spent most of his marriage doing whatever it took to help keep her temper in check and try to make her happy. And by his account he worked hard to do what he could for her. Even help her buy her house that she got after the separated, before the divorce. He’s continued to pay her cell bill, continued to ‘take care of her’. However, in the last week she made it pretty clear to him that she doesn’t appreciate (or even acknowledge) that he’s done anything. Continuing to ‘take care’ of her will do nothing for him. He is having a hard time with not being able to ‘fix’ things or take care of things. We talked about the facts that no matter how hard he tries he can’t ‘fix’ her, he can only ‘fix’ himself. I think he is starting to really understand that. He’s got a ways to go to take care of his own stuff and untangle himself from her. It’ll be a while before he’s going to be in any position to look at any sort of a relationship. Which is fine with me, I’d just as soon meet someone that has their shit together, as not.
My depressed mood lifted, once he called and acknowledged me, and I slept much better last night.
Today was a good day… it was terribly busy. I started working on projects the minute I arrived at work and worked steady ALL day. It passed pleasantly.
It’s interesting… yesterday I talked about how sometimes it seems like I am ‘talking’ and no one is ‘listening’, but as soon as those ideas left my mind and appeared here, I got some confirmation that people are listening… a few people. It’s nice to know that I am not just talking to myself here. I don’t know what difference it really makes, but somehow it does make me feel better.
I ran by the university and bought a couple of my books for school. It’s almost time for school to start again. I ordered the last season of Voyager, and am really looking forward to getting that. I also order a book called “Kitchen Confidential”, it’s a book about the world of restaurant people. Perhaps it’ll give me some insight into what makes Gary and Mark tick. Sounds like an interesting read. Hopefully I’ll find time to read it. I should get them both by next week.
The evening is slipping by. Going to go to a movie with a friend I met at school tomorrow night. I’ll pick her up at her grandma’s and I think we’ll go see “The Aviator” or “Finding Neverland”.
Gotta get some sleep.
Sweet dreams… M.