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January 05, 2005 - Wednesday, 11:20 a.m.
Doritos and Sleepytime Tea for breakfast. The breakfast of champions, don’t you know? I am just tired of this whole thing. No phone call. He probably decided that everything was just fine. I was nice and smiled yesterday. ::sighs:: So why bother calling and explaining the ‘no-show’ last Friday? I’m going to skip the cafeteria for a few days. I’m frustrated. I don’t have it in me to be mean or to let him know how I feel, not in the middle of the cafeteria with a half dozen spectators and I refuse to call HIM. So, we are at an impasse.
Last night I didn’t do much of anything. I cleaned up the living room and vacuumed Curt’s room. Then I played on the computer and watched “Dreamscape” with Justin and Moon. Later I played on the computer a little bit more, then crawled into bed and watched a couple episodes of Voyager. I have got to put my head down and do some work in the basement tonight. My break from school is going to be over before I know it, and then the basement will never get done. So much left to do, I hope the boys help some.
At some point you just decide no one is ‘listening’ or ‘reading’ anymore. This stuff is all so boring. No one can possibly care that I watched Voyager last night, or that I didn’t want to get up this morning and go to work; so at some point you are just writing for yourself. What is it about writing? For me I guess its forum where I can pretend someone is listening. I think about how often people come and sit in the extra chair in my cube and talk to me. Talk about their families, things going on in their lives, things that are bothering them, or just things that they want someone to listen to. I’m a good listener. I sit, listen and comment. I must do it right because people are always coming back. However, when it comes to the massive volumes of stuff going through my mind, I am mostly silent. There isn’t a chair that I go sit in and have someone listen to me. Sometimes I send out an email to a friend and say ‘HEY, this is what’s going on, or what I am thinking’… SOMEONE please acknowledge… some times he or she does, sometimes they don’t. Most often I only hint at what I am feeling. I think far too much about far too much. Most people aren’t really interested in listening, nor do they have the time. Also, I’m not terribly inclined to talk about things. Sometimes when I get to talking a person will shift the conversation, and I know that they really don’t want to hear whatever it is I have to say, or they are more interested in expressing what’s happening in their life or mind, so I stop talking and go back to listening. I’ve talked more about this whole thing with Mark, than I often do. But in the same way that I am sure that people get tired of hearing it, I get tired of talking about it. It’s all conjecture. It’s as productive as discussing the possibilities of meeting a movie star or winning the lottery; fun to think about and talk about for a little while, then just boring.
Therefore, the blogsphere gets to hear all the boring stuff that I wouldn’t bore my family and friends with. It’s all that everyday stuff that doesn’t ever get acknowledged, but ends up being the crux of your life. I suppose that is what I miss the most about the idea of being married. Sometimes I’ll send an email and say… “LOOK, SEE WHAT I DID?!” Looking for acknowledgement. Wanting to pretend for a few moments that someone might be interested or care that today I cleaned out the flowerbeds, washed the car or cleaned the kitchen. When really I know that they don’t. Some times they even say ‘good job’.
Maybe it isn’t everyone, but I definitely feel that as I get older I go more and more into myself. I keep more and more things quiet and to myself. No need to talk about being depressed, sad or scared. This just depresses, saddens or scares the listener, and most people have enough concerns of their own, that they don’t need to listen to someone else’s junk. Sometimes I feel like that is what I have to give to the world. I can listen, and I do. IM’s, emails, people sitting in my cube, maybe I can reassure them, or offer some insight that they can take or toss. Currently I make my kids come look at whatever I have accomplished and no matter how disinterested they are they come, look and say, ‘good job’. One day soon I’ll just be telling the cat, who won’t do a very good job of acknowledging things.
I’m tired, cold and depressed today.