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September 17, 2003 - Wednesday, 12:46 a.m.


Agitation was the word of the day Tuesday. My agitation is around work... finances… just life in general. I am glad that I am going to school at least it makes me feel like there might be some hope.

News on the home front… the carpet is going to be installed on Saturday morning. Boy, that can’t happen fast enough. I am starting to see a beginning to the end of this project!! By this time next week I should be nearing the end of all the disarray in my house. Yay!!

I got an email from my cousin Kathy last night. It was something she'd forwarded on to a bunch of us. I noticed that she sent it to Aunt Bev as well. Aunt Bev is my Mom’s sister. She died about 4 years ago from Cancer. She is also Kathy’s mother. I am guessing that Aunt Bev's email address is a part of another cousin’s AOL account, which is why her account would still be active. It seemed poignant to me that Kathy would copy her mother on the email. Made me think of the comfort we find in having our loved ones near us. And how, having your mother an email away, rather then in the next world, might make her seem closer. Though what I really think is that Aunt Bev is even closer than an email away for Kathy. Love is a strong binding. It made me think of a day when my own mother won’t be around, and then the days beyond that when some of my sisters will be gone and my children will have full lives that I will have a small part, but not be a major player in. And then how eventually nearly everyone I know will be gone.

I was talking to my mother Monday about Grandma. And we talked about her 100th birthday in March 2004, and about having a party. She made a comment about her brother being concerned about having enough room for the party, and my mother said. "Who is he thinking will come to this party? Most all the people who know her are gone, all of her siblings, all of her in-laws, even some of her children have passed on... we, the family, will be about all that is there.” I'm thinking... I don't know that I want to live until I am 100.

I was sitting in my cube at work today. All around me were pictures, scenic pictures... snow capped mountains, mountain valleys in Autumn color, rushing streams set in green foliage... every calendar from the last 5 years cut up and displayed on my walls... not a window in site, no view of the day, I can't see the weather or see the sunshine... I wished I was sitting on a porch on a fine autumn day looking up a valley at the beautiful colors of the leaves and a snow capped peak... and wondering if there will ever be a day like that for me.

I should have worked more on my homework tonight. I did my Econ and then couldn’t get into the databases at the school so took a nap. For like 4 hours!!! Eep!! I woke up at about 11 pm. I didn’t make dinner tonight… I didn’t do much of anything. My friend, Lee went to the doctor today. She has the beginnings of pneumonia. Am hoping my own congestion is just a lingering of the allergic reaction I had on Sunday. However, I am coughing and not feeling too well. I should most like just go back to bed. Whine, whine. :o)

Phil sat and visited with me last night... trying to work on what to do a speech on for his speech class. It’s supposed to have to do with your life's work. He is truly struggling with what to do with his life, and I can so completely identify with him. He is like me in a lot of ways. He is capable of doing almost anything, but unable to find a passion for anything. He could be a doctor, if he wanted to bad enough. He even realizes he could do ANYTHING, but he just doesn't know what he wants to do. Perhaps I need to encourage him to do something like Justin, my older son, did by going to China for a year; send him out FAR into the world and hope that he can find some purpose. I seriously contemplated going to Finland (or somewhere is Europe for a while when I was his age), but the fear of the unknown was a little more then I could face. It probably would have help me, but who knows now. What I do know is that, I don't want him to get to 43 and still be wondering "what am I going to do with my life?"… like I am.

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