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December 22, 2005 - Thursday, 10:18 p.m.

Hi-ho, hi-ho... it's off to work I go...

I think I am depressed. I going through the motions of Ďmy job is important, it takes up lots of timeí. (I know I am repeating myself, but I am trying to make sense of what my life looks like. It isnít what I want it to look like, so Iím fumbling around trying to figure out what Iíll let it look like within my control.) At some point over the last month Iíve decided that Ďmy careerí needs to be the focus of my life. Itís where my Ďtimeí should be spent. I must have decided that, because I keep staying at work forever. I get into work late, work through breaks and lunch, unless someone comes and asks me to go to lunch, which probably happens maybe a couple times a week. Otherwise I am not going to the cafeteria and getting lunch, or going outside and just sitting. I just sit at my desk and work. Really work. I donít surf the internet or write email. Now that L isnít working any more I donít have anyone to write to, so I donít write. I also donít check my mail very often, I just work. I have a couple hundred emails I havenít read on my work email account. I am trying to keep up, but there seems to be a lot going on. I am keeping up with the current day, but I have mail from days I was out that I just havenít had a chance to get to. By the end of the day I just sit at my desk and think about going home, but I donít feel like getting up and going home. I just keep working on whatever I am working on. Sometimes I remember things I should have done and do them. I am really feeling at lose ends. Once I get home, I go to my room, check my email, fold clothes or something, and then proceed to stay up well past midnight. Iím not really accomplishing anything at home. In some ways I am just shutting down once I get home. Once I finally fall asleep then I sleep in the next morning and start the cycle over again. .

I walked into work at about 10 am, and didnít really leave my desk until about 3 pm when I went to get my nails done, then back to my desk until almost 8 pm. It was a busy day. I have about 3, 4, 5 designs that need to get doneÖ some big number. Most of them are in various stages of completeness. Many of the customers are still changing their minds, so I am only working the design to a point and then starting on another.

Iím tired tonight. I imagine that is a good thing. The weather has definitely gotten warmer. Really you only need a light jacket.

Iíve been in a mood lately. I wish I could put my finger on it, but I donít seem to be able to. Perhaps it is just from feeling tired, but in some ways I am feeling really lethargic. I am not eating well either. Today I had some baklava that one of the guys brought in and a small bag of chips, a few sunflower seeds and then a burrito from Taco Bell at about 4 pm. I got home tonight and ate a few crackers, a piece of cheese and two small pieces of pizza. The baklava was too much, it tasted good, but it isnít sitting well on my stomach. Iím done for today. I didnít eat breakfast or get any lunch. Iím not getting hungry and I donít feel like eating. It would be nice if I lost some weight, but I think I am eating just enough junk to keep me from doing that.

The house is quiet tonight. No music or TVís on anywhere. Just silence. I am lying in bed with the lap top. The lights are out and a number of candles are lit. I find that to be soothing and restful, plus it smells good. We are creeping up on Christmas. I still need to get another gift for T and something for L, and then I am about done. I donít have much to buy. Iíll probably go out tomorrow night and shop some. I am looking forward to the four day weekend. Plenty of time to sleep, read and do nothing, should be nice.

I am going up to Lynnís during that afternoon on Christmas Eve, and then up to L & Tís for the evening. I am thinking that my boys will be with their Dad, which is where they usually are for Christmas. Christmas Day will be quiet, Iím not going any place, and the boys will be gone again that day too.

I really need to get good nights sleep here, that doesnít start at 2 am. Itís only about 10 pm, but I am ready for sleep.

I hope to unravel this mess soon, itís wearing me out.

I just heard the whistle blow on the train going through town. It made me smile. I wish the window were open so I could hear the outside sounds, but itís a little too cold for that. The silence is deafeningÖ why is that? Does everyone hear a high pitched whiny sound when there is silence? Some times it drives me crazy and I turn on the TV to drown out that buzzing sound. My eyes keep drooping closed. The bed is comfy and so are my pillows.

I bought ďSecondhand LionsĒ at Target on Tuesday night. I love that movie. I think Iíll put that in the DVD player, turn the TV on low (and set to turn off in an hour) and snuggle down into bed and watch it.

Sweet dreamsÖ M.

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