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December 22, 2005 - Thursday, 2:08 a.m.

Move along little doggies...

Itís 1 am. I worked until about 7 tonight. Just sat at my desk and kept working on stuff. I didnít really feel like going home, and the hours at work certainly donít hurt. I found out today that Tim is seeing someone that he is serious about, SOOOoooÖ so much for that. I actually wrote him a short email telling him that I found him interesting and would like to get to know him better. His response was very thoughtful and kind. But still, the bottom line is heís not available. That pretty much emptied the pool of any possibilities for me. Itís getting old to even entertain the thought of a possible anything anywhere. For the most part, if there is a guy out there worth being with, heís already with someone else. I really need to just stop looking, its just disappointing in the long run basically every time.

I went out to lunch with D & K today. It was Kís birthday today. There was another party from work at the same restaurant; they were there for a retirement lunch for some one. There sat Phil, but he didnít see me, so that was okay. I realized here in the last couple of days, that Iím not even close to the sort of woman Phil seems to go for. Donít know why I didnít see it before. Most of them are a little I donít knowÖ coarser then me? They are a little bit harder then me. HmmmÖ Iím trying to be nice here. Suffice it to say that I am nice, and most of them are not. Pretty much they are about the polar opposite of me. I am glad to be mentally done with him. It still bothers me some, but Iím not wishing for it to work out any more. I think it is best to just let that one get away.

Two more days of work and then 4 days off. I have no idea what I am going to do. I feel a little lost. I should be thrilled about having time off, but if I was working I wouldnít have so much time to think. I have cleaning to do, and perhaps Iíll read some. I really need to get started on reading all those books that I have stacked up to read.

I was pretty sad as I drove home from work today. I walked in the house and Curtis had been doing laundry today, so there were piles of clothes for me to fold. I did that and then cleaned my room. I worked real hard not to spend any time thinking tonight. Once my room was clean, I sat down on the computer and played a game online until about 12:45 am. It was pretty numbing. It kept me from thinking; however it really didnít feel too productive. Guess I wasnít focusing on productivity, but more on not dealing with how I was feeling.

Now I am really tired, but still the mind wonít be silent. I took some Tylenol PM, so hoping Iíll get sleepy here soon. Iím starting to feel like a broken record. Woe is me, nothing works out. ::pout, pout:: Really and truly I need to just accept that this is what it is, nothing more, nothing less, and move on. Tying up this last Ďinterestí, has put this whole issue and/or thought to bed I think. There isnít anyone else that I am even slightly interested in, and I really donít want to look. K was telling me she is thinking about going onto E-Harmony, and some how I just canít get into that idea at all. Somehow it feels likeÖI donít know, like I am thinking, ďHmmm, Iíd like to see a movie.Ē So I go out and look and I find 5 reasonable movies, and having to pick one I pick the best of the five. Now it might not be the movie I really want to see, but HEY, I need to see a movie, so any movie is better then no movie right? Some how that is how the dating service thing feels to me. I donít want to do it, so I am sure that I wonít.

In some alternate universe there are people that have friends and family that look for someone that they think would be a good match for them. However, I donít live in that universe. I think perhaps I am impossible to look for, and so no one really bothers to try. Or if they have tried, that canít find anyone either. That whole scenario always did seem like something out of a movie and not something that really works or happens in real peopleís lives.

What did Tim say? Oh yah, he said, ďI find you to be a very interesting and really neat lady.Ē It seems that only men that are already married or in a relationship have that thought. I am also Ďniceí, pretty much the kiss of death. I donít know that I can bear to be hurt again. I really need to focus on work andÖ I donít know, reading I guess. Iíll be okay in a couple days. I always bounce back, Iím resilient donít you know? And like everyone says, I really am lucky and I have a great family, a job I enjoy and a home I like, many people donít have that. Perhaps I am just trying to take another piece when I already have my fair share.

I am so tired I can hardly stand it. I need to go to sleep. Things will be easier to face in the morning. I am really going to try to just stop talking about this stuff. It just makes me feel stupid when it blows up in my face. I feel foolish talking like things have possibilities, when they really donít. I feelÖ I guess really vulnerable and stupid that I let my friends listen to my hopeful chatter. I would really rather that they all thought that I am happy with the way things are so they wouldn't have to be on the edge of that disappointment. Life is disappointing enough, with out being aware of all the disappointments happening around us. I know it is silly to Ďsuffer in silenceí, but somehow that feels like I am saving face when I do it, like somehow I donít look pathetic.

I am drifting off here as I type.

Sweet dreams, things will look better in the morning.

::hugs:: M.

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