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October 26, 2005 - Wednesday, 3:16 p.m.

Falling...

Fall is truly settling in. I wish it would last for a couple months, but soon itíll be over and the trees will look like winter, bare and gray. As I drive down the streets throughout town there is so many shades of orange and yellow to brown. Itís lovely, and I wish I could take a picture that would encompass the 360-degree vista. It tugs at my heart and makes me melancholy. I donít know why it has that effect but it does. I wish I could just sit and absorb the colors and the peace it emanates. I feel terribly restless and wish I were somewhere else doing something else. Iíd love to be sitting on a porch on the front of a cabin facing a lake somewhere. The peace and solitude would sooth my soul. If I could truly create the life that I want Iíd be on a lake from late April until Thanksgiving, and then Iíd be some place like Colorado from December through April.

Sunday I managed to get myself to do all the reading and answer the questions for my online class. I then went to Ruhi at my parents. Dinner was lovely and the class as always thought provoking and calming. When I got home, around 9 pm, I wanted to get myself to work on my paper and then study for my test on Monday. However, it was beyond me. I watched some TV and struggled to fall asleep. I made the decision before I even got home that I was going to take Monday off and write my paper and study for my test.

I got out the candle that Phil gave me when he came back from Belize and lit it this weekend. Iíve decided to burn the whole thing, rather then save it. I somehow got to thinking that perhaps I could use it to measure the amount of time itíll take me to Ďget overí all of this. Itís a specific window of time - one candleís worth. Iím going to burn it every night until itís gone - a couple hours a night. It sits next to my bed and I can look at it and process what I can of all this. I canít help but think of him as I watch it burn, but once it is gone, perhaps I can shut the door on the feelings Ė at least mentally.

I didnít fall asleep very well, but eventually did. I was up about 9 am Monday morning and had the paper done and turned in by about noon. I spent that afternoon at Village Inn studying for the test. By 5 pm I figured I had about as much in my brain as was going to fit and I went home. Washed the kitchen floor and folded some clothes. Something to relax the mind to make sure the information would flow out when I sat down to take the test. It worked. I sat down in class to take the test and had finished all five essay questions in just under an hour. I knew Iíd written down all that there was in my mind and I got up and left. I was the first one done.

Again, sleep is not coming easily to me. The mind doesnít rest and I find I canít get myself to shut my eyes and fall asleep with out the help of Tylenol PM, and some time some benedryl as well. Tuesday I got into work just after 9:30 am. No Phil, as a matter of fact he didnít come in at all yesterday. I called and left a message on his phone to make sure he was okay, but he never called back.

Last night I went to Maryís for our study circle. We are still working out of the same book, and itís still about communication. I so much enjoy the visit and the readings really make for good discussions.

Today Philís here. Still I have heard nothing from him, but not surprising, he probably doesnít even listen to his cell phone messages. Whatever.

L called me on Sunday at about noon. She and T are getting married on Friday!! YesÖ the Friday that is two days from now. She is completely freaking out. I am happy for her. I think she and T will be wonderful together. Heís a good man, and he loves her and her daughter. I always knew that sheíd get married again, even though through the years she seriously doubted it. She has gotten her life so much more in order and a focus of direction that sheíd needed and things have started to work out for her. I am happy for her and proud of her. She so deserves good things in her life, and to see them coming to fruition warms my heart.

I find that personally I am still struggling with the things I have been struggling with this year, since the passing of my grandmother and my aunt. Iím having a terrible time shaking the feeling of not being alive. Iíve made great strides, but Iíve fallen back in some areas as well. I find that I am truly struggling with depression. Most days I am fine, but some days are terribly, terribly dark. Sometimes there is almost a paralysis that sets in. I seem unable to get myself to move in any direction. Some part of my mind keeps thinking I should be able to just Ďfix thisí and a feeling that there is Ďsomething wrong with meí if I canít. But another part of me knows that I cannot continue to struggle with this without help. Iíve made a doctor appointment for next week with my primary Dr. and am going to ask for medication. Perhaps Wellbutrin, which worked well for me a few years ago, with basically no side effects. Hopefully thatíll allow me a better outlook.

I have also been trying to figure out a direction to go. Some of my friends highly recommend that I look into a dating service, and that leaves me cold. I cannot imagine myself stepping into that deliberate arena. I need to just settle down and work on the modest goals I have for career and perhaps getting into shape. Focus on reading in my spare time; Iíve dozens of books that Iíve been meaning to read. This whole thing with Phil has left me pretty gun shy. Perhaps it is time to just come to peace with being alone for the rest of my life. It isnít that onerous of a prospect, itís just a shift of direction, and requires some thinking on how to comfortably see the world on my own before I die. Truly, the next 5 to 10 years will be just digging out of this financial hole. Iíve decided to quit trying to think about a second job. Iíve only about 7 more months of school to go. I can struggle through that, and if I am still at this job in May, Iíll find a second job for the summer and then onward until I find something better paying. The only other thing I know I need to do is find a way to go to sleep at night so I can get up earlier in the morning. I think I HAVE to go to the gym in the evenings, before bed. Iíd like to set a goal to do that starting tonight!!! Something has to give.

Just thinking through this is giving me some peace of mind, so that is good.

Back to workÖ

M.

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