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October 17, 2005 - Monday, 11:40 p.m.

Swish... swish... swish...

I donít know what it is about a gutter full of dead leaves, but I canít stay out of it. I HAVE to walk through it, drag me feet and make that wonderful swishing sound with the leaves. I know itís a thing that kids do, and that it really is pretty silly for adults to do, but I have to do it. Itís like popping bubble wrap. Itís terribly immature, butÖ you just canít stop yourself. Really, if you DO stop yourself from doing it, you should rethink it. It feels wonderful.

Itís the same when it first starts to snow, or itís just begun to rain. You should be completely free to outstretch your arms, throw back you head and just feel it gently fall on your face. Itís the little things that remind you that you are alive. There is a child like joy in swishing leaves, and feeling the soft caress of raindrops and snowflakes on your cheeks. If you havenít done these things in a while, do them the next chance you get. I do it every chance I get.

Today was another busy day. I got into work late (as I spent some of my morning finishing up my exam for my online class). But the day was busy. I didnít go and eat lunch I just stayed and worked at my desk until 6 pm. No visitor today and I missed seeing him. He was sitting on his motorcycle visiting with a couple guys as I went to my car to head to school. I got a nod of acknowledgment and he got a one finger wave. Sadly that was the frickiní highlight of my day.

I brought a book in Friday afternoon for Tim, who Iíd spent an hour visiting with Friday morning. I noticed at the end of the day on Friday (after heíd left) that the book was still sitting on his desk. Iíll sneak in there again tomorrow and see if itís still lying there. Perhaps I misread him having any interest in the topic. I went by my gut, but perhaps my gut isnít that good at figuring anything out. I beginning to doubt my ability to gage or read anyone any more. I once thought I was pretty good at it, now I think more often then not some one should just give me a good thump and leave it at that.

I have the windows open again. It just hasnít gotten cold enough to force me to close them. I can hear a dog barking down the street and the traffic down on the expressway, and there is a horn blowing on the train going through town, and the sound of the railroad cars on the tracks. There is something about that sound that helps me remember that everything keeps moving onÖ the world hasnít stopped.

I canít get rid of this headache. Every morning itís there when I wake up, and every night when I go to lie down itís there. I take something and it goes away for a while, but it keeps coming back. Itís been there the better part of a week now. I keep thinking TOMORROW Iíll wake up and itíll be gone. So, perhaps, tomorrowÖ

Sweet dreams. M.

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