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October 21, 2005 - Friday, 2:46 p.m.


Today started out pretty sunny, but the day gets drearier as it goes by. It looks like rain or snow. It was almost impossible for me to drag myself out of bed this morning. It’s gotten progressively harder as the week has gone by. I didn’t come to work yesterday. I slept, went to lunch, went to a career fair at the university, came home and napped and then spent the evening playing Scrabble with a couple sisters and Curtis.

I wrote Phil an email earlier this week, asking for clarification on our ‘friendship’.

I've missed doing things with you, but am trying very hard to give you whatever space you might want. It's just getting to a point where I can't see the line any more. I can't tell if you just were being nice by saying that you wanted to do stuff as friends, or if you really want my company at all. You said you weren't much one to ask, but really it is nice to be asked, because then I would know that you really wanted my company, and not just hanging out with me because no better offer came along. I'd really rather not be a thorn in your side. If you'd rather this just made a quiet death, I'll accommodate you. I can easily proceed on as I have leaving you to do you own thing and pursuing my own. How I feel about you hasn't changed, but I do know how to fade away and disappear if need be (which is very painless for you). Just know that you have a friend in me always, and that I'd be there in a half second if you needed me.

He responded back.

I don't know what to say. I had originally written you a very long letter in response but just deleted it all. It was a lot about me and what I think is wrong with me and it is really not important. What is important is that you need to do what is right for yourself. And my advice to you as a friend would be to quite trying to be mine! Don't allow this to come to a quite death because it's my choice but brutally kill it because it's the right thing for you. I am more than capable of abusing your friendship. And I don't want too! Quit waiting for me to do the right thing here -- I've been failing at this all my life -- and you really don't want to be any closer to it than you already are.

It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but it wasn’t a surprise either. I’ve thought a lot about all of this and I had a pretty good response to it.

I am not good at giving up on people. I rarely do it. I won't give up on you as a person, no matter what you perceive your faults to be, I know there is good there, I can see it. Believe me, I am totally aware that there is shit there too, but it doesn't matter. I will remain your friend, some one that you can count on, though from what I can see you aren't much to call on that. As for my feelings for you, I'll allow them a quiet death, as no matter how much I can see in you and believe in you, if you can't see it or are unwilling to look at it, it doesn't really matter. We all fail at things, my score sheet pretty much sucks. Things don't turn out like I plan, hope or wish... almost always. Still... I hope... and I try.

Truly I imagine I'll always be waiting for you to do the right thing... but really from what I can see you won't get around to it soon enough to make a difference between you and I. I hope that when you do decide to step up to the plate and make your life what you want it to be that I am around to give you a hug.

We really do choose how we are going to live our lives. We have lots of choices in this plane of existence... you make good choices or bad one... and you can turn it all around in a moment. It's up to you.

You know, every time you sit down across from me... I can see it in your face. Each time you are wondering if this is the time that I'll shut down towards you. It's never going to happen. This is who I am. I will never turn you away. I am probably the most faithful friend you'll ever come across. But I'll leave you alone if that is what you want. I won't chase you; I won't try to 'change your mind'. I know what my value is. There is someone that WILL see that value and be thankful to have a chance to experience it and be part of my life. However, Hon, you show up, and the door will be open, there will always be a hug for you, a hot meal, a place to sleep, and someone that will listen to you. This is me. Deal with it.

So, there was obviously some bravado in my answer. I’m not confident that anyone will ever figure out the value. And often my own stumbling and questioning leads me to doubt that the value exists like I sometimes think it might. I’m struggling terribly with depression as of late. It’s not linked specifically to relationships not working, but that is just another piece of it. It’s about things not working out in general. It’s about being tired of fighting those ‘life battles’. It’s worrying about finances, school, will I find a job, and will things ever get even sort of close to what I want? Will I lose everything before I can accomplish anything? I am so tired of fighting and fighting and always feeling like it just doesn’t work. It’s probably time to go see my doctor and talk to him about meds for depression. It seems like I should be able to handle it myself, but I’m not doing that great at it.

It see myself struggling like this, fighting the depression, and all I can think is… who would want this mess?!? It doesn’t help… I tell ya, because the answer is always ‘no one.’ Even if I have 100 good days just one bad day is enough for me to feel sure that no one is ever going to want to deal with this person who is me. ::sighs::

I have cleaning and sleeping on my weekend agenda… and perhaps a little homework as well. I need to shake this for sure. I really need to make myself hike this weekend, something to clear my mind… something…

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