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August 31, 2005 - 11:58 p.m.
Saturday we finally had Philip birthday party. I spent the morning cooking and cleaning and the afternoon visiting and eating with family. This was my first chance to show my tattoo to my sisters. I also knew that this was the time I’d really need to tell my mother about it. I did. I think at first she thought maybe I was joking, and even thought for a moment that perhaps it wasn’t real. She has concerns about AIDs, even telling her that it was a reputable place and that really that isn’t much of concern didn’t really allay her fears. Her comment was ‘It’s big.’ Really, that was about the extent of it. She really took it very well, for the most part.
My sister Char rationalized it verbally to my mother and anyone else that was around that I’d waited until I was 45, and that it had meaning to me. Really, the more I thought about the tattoo, the more ‘meaning’ I was able to attribute to it. The prairie rose was really self evident… the three forget-me-nots really had to do with not wishing to be forgotten… period… but the number three struck me the next day as perhaps my 3 son who won’t forget me. So that is the meaning I’ll attribute to it… the forget-me-nots for the boys, the prairie rose for who I am… and the dragonfly for rebirth and renewal of me. Though always in my mind the forget-me-nots will always be a reminder of my desire to not be forgotten as well, which is seems most of the men in my life (other then my boys) have easily done. Lynn stayed after everyone had left from the party and we visited until almost 9 pm. I so enjoy visiting with her. Never seems like I get enough of that. She has a very busy life.
Sunday I worked on homework, and went to Ruhi in the evening. The day passed very quickly and quietly.
Monday it was back to work. I wasn’t far into the day with K told me that Phil had shown up at the club Friday night, D had told her. I talked to her and she said he didn’t stay long, but visited some with the man the D was with, and with another couple of people. I realized that I really needed to put our ‘friendship’ on the table with him. To discuss what friends do, and what I as a friend do. I am a spur of the moment person and I asked how he would be if I were to call him up and ask him to watch a movie or do something. I told him that is what friends do. Anyway… I wrote like Monday… he responded LATE on Tuesday, but I was still there and responded back, and then today he didn’t respond. His response feels lethargic.
At this point I think I just pull back. I’ve been the person ‘working’ this, he just tags along. I’m done. He can work from here on out, and I don’t know that he will bother. So… such is life I guess.
I’ve been beyond depressed tonight. I’ve cried until I have a headache and my head is stuffed up. I hate ‘giving up’ on people, and I feel like that is what I am doing, but I don’t feel like there is any point is chasing after someone who doesn’t care to be caught by me. However, tonight life stretches out before me and it feels unbelievably lonely. The desire to just give up is very present in my mind, but the far reaching implication of that is a little more then I am willing to embrace. I won’t dedicate myself to ‘finding someone’. Somehow that just boils down to interviewing all the candidates and then picking the best one (even if none really fit the bill). Why oh why can’t it just happen… I know it could, but really it seems highly unlikely that it ever will, so far it hasn’t. I’m not desperate for a relationship. I just really want one, but know that I can survive if it never happens.
I wandered off for a while and went to L’s house. I didn’t talk much, just mostly sat with a blank mind. At least this time I’m not really beating myself up. I know I am not the problem here… like I said before… it is just coming to peace with accepting that the possibility of a relationship on the horizon is gone and that my life has slipped back to where it was before on that issue. However, I am a different person now then I was before. I am working hard at embracing life and I am not going to let that slip away. I’m just going to stop figuring that Phil really wants any type of a relationship with me. His lukewarm response to my inquiries into what this friendship should look like tells me he really isn’t that interested in it. So from here on out he’ll have to instigate any ‘hanging out’ and that doesn’t seem too likely.
I cried until I’m just quiet in my mind. No thoughts now… just exhaustion.