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August 10, 2005 - Wednesday, 10:25 a.m.

Welcome to Hell...

Maliestra says: Welcome to Hell, would you like smoking or non-smoking?
L says: I’d prefer the hanging section.
Maliestra says: Booth or a table?
L says: A noose is good for me
Maliestra says: Would you like the appetizer menu or perhaps just the 'last meal' selection....
L says: Hmmm… How about just a stiff shot of whiskey?
Maliestra says: Let me check with the bartender....
L nods: Okay, I'll tip well.
Maliestra says: Hmmm... He is suggesting something a little more flamboyant...
L says: Oh? Such as?
Maliestra says: Something he can light on fire that will alert others to the wide selection available here...
L says: Sure what the heck.
Maliestra smiles sweetly and says: Okay... I'll have a Flaming Larry Hill for you in a minute…
L chuckles: That is evil.
L grins: I didn't ask for the flaming idiot special.
Maliestra says: But we have such a plethora available!!
L says: Hmmm… Nope no flaming idiot special for me.
Maliestra says: Okay
L grins and says: Just the noose forget the drink
Maliestra says: Perhaps... you'd like something to eat... can I suggest the brazen hussy?
L laughs:
Maliestra says: Lightly grilled?
L says: Ummm… Nah…
Maliestra says: You sure?
L nods: Yeah I think I just want the noose why prolong agony?
Maliestra says: Hmmm... Did you want a hemp rope?
L nods: Hemp is best
Maliestra says: Yes... don't want it breaking midstream
L says: Right!
Maliestra says: Garcon!?! A Hanger deluxe at table 12!!
L giggles:
Maliestra says: Oh my...
L says: Whew thought I was going to be stuck with the flaming idiots. What? Two for one special?
Maliestra says: I'm afraid we just sold the last one... could I interest you in a little Chinese water torture?
L says: MAN, it figures!
Maliestra smiles sweetly again and says: Yes... well... Jennifer Aniston is a special guest here... we always make sure we have what she needs available... so sorry...
L chuckles: How about a shotgun? Got any of those?
Maliestra says: Sorry....
L says: I’m not big into water torture… axe?
Maliestra says: You probably wanted Fantasyland down the street
Maliestra says: This is reality
L says: ARGH, I thought this was HELL
Maliestra says: Reality Hell
L says: Wait it IS HELL
Maliestra says: Not Fantasyland Hell
L says: I can't get what I WANT
Maliestra says: Exactly
L screams:
Maliestra says: Not too far from life... Pretty much just eternity of the same ole same ole...
L says: GREAT
Maliestra says: It's on display... other tables have it... but I can't get it for you...
L says: I'm leaving
Maliestra says: Oh... sorry
L says: I don't want to be in this hell
Maliestra says: You need a ticket to leave
L says: WHAT?!
Maliestra says: I know… policy…
L says: Great
Maliestra says: Sorry
L says: So I'm stuck here?
Maliestra says: Until you find the golden ticket? Pretty much
L says: So how do find one of those?
Maliestra says: Meditate... however it's pretty noisy here...and the flaming idiots walk by, wave and blow kisses every few minutes… especially the ones you want.
L says: That figures
L sighs: Can I kill the flaming idiots?
Maliestra says: Ah… Sorry… No.
L sighs deeply:
Maliestra points to a sign which says: Endangered Species: Flaming Idiots... Then in tiny print “Not really endangered but this is Hell and we protect ‘em here.”
L says: GREAT! You know… I knew there was a loophole for them morons
L mutters loudly:
Maliestra points to a dark door:
Maliestra says: That's the Flogging Room... for self-service...
L says: I can't even get anyone to flog me??
Maliestra says: Of course not
L says: I have to do it myself???
Maliestra says: Of course
L says: Man this place sucks
Maliestra nods:
L sighs:
Maliestra says: You'll do a much better job then any of the lazy asses that work here...
L says: I'll take the slit your wrist with a rusty dull blade special
Maliestra says: Oh sorry... medical procedures aren’t allowed in the bar... policy… again. That would be far too easy... but we do have A Hammer special for pounding on your thumb incessantly...
L says: Ugh… not good
Maliestra says: Or perhaps the Paper Cut Special? We serve it with vinegar…
L says: Ewww… Do you have iocane powder?
Maliestra says: Fresh out... that little man over there took the last of it...
L screams:
L says: Okay I want anything that would cause DEATH
Maliestra says: Ah!! I have it!! It's a special... it comes with a dozen courses... It's called the "Life Time Hell Special", complete with your OWN flaming idiot... it takes a while, but the result is death... well… eventually... after 40 years or so
L screeches:
L says: That is too long... How about something instant?
Maliestra says: Nope… Nothing instant in hell… Nada… ziltch… zip… zero
L sighs: Ya… I get it.

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