Spike on the River
Neal in Antarctica
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August 03, 2005 - Wednesday, 3:33 p.m.
I am there once again. The thing I donít think I really realized before is that, having been alone for as long as I have, I struggle with having all the responsibility of living a life and raising kids by myself and as soon as I start to think about someone perhaps coming into my life I start to imagine how nice it would be to divvy up the load. To have some help, even if it is just about figuring stuff out, is such a load lifted off my shoulders. There is also the thought of having companionship. Of there being someone to come home to, or someone to do things with or for, these ideas start to grow and I can almost feel the stress of life to start to lift, and then before I know it, Mr. Whomever, has had second thoughts, or it was all just some crazy idea I had and itís back to carrying on life by myself. However minor that lift of stress is, by just the THOUGHT of having someone at my side, it is horrible to put that yoke back on. It carries with it such a feeling of hopelessness. The sure knowledge that if I have 100% of whatever in my capacity (time, money, energy), my life requires about 130%, and there is no way to really make up that difference other then going back to the exhausting state of juggling.
So along with coping with the idea that some how I didnít match the desired profile, or for some unfathomable reason Iím just not right, and dealing with the thoughts of inadequacy, I have to figure out how to face all the other stress in my life, as I always have, by myself. One or the other is completely capable of depressing me, both together are sure to take me there repeatedly over the nextÖ well forever as far as I can see.
Somehow I have to figure out how to put that Ďsurvival modeí out of my life. I donít know how to make it something that doesnít matter. It is something that I need to think on deeply. How does one balance being responsible with being detached from the material?
Sometimes I wish I could just let the powers that be walk in and take everything, all my stuff and all the bills and then I could just start over again, with a blank slate. I mean, that is what bankruptcy is all about, but I never had it in me to go that route, always felt like I had to take care of it myself, somehow. I guess I can see why people just disappear, drop off the face of the earth and move to South America. All this worry about finances just makes me crazy. Especially when in the scope of things I think it isnít that important. But for me it is all wrapped up in being responsible. If I could figure out how to work two full time jobs without crashing and burning physically and mentally, Iíd be doing it. I canít make it work, Iíve even tried before, couldnít go much more then two weeks, before I had to quit the one job. Hence, the journey back to school. One way or the other Iíll clear the slate before I die. I just didnít want my life to be about surviving. Seems like all my focus has been on getting by. Somehow I screwed up what I thought was important at some point in my life, to leave me always thinking about and worrying about how weíd pay for the necessities of life Ė probably by trying to replicate my own upbringing that was funded by my father who by relative comparison was always making at least twice as much as I did. I should have tried to focus on getting by with less, as I had so much less to fund it. Oh, all water over the dam at this point. No point in bemoaning that. ::sighs::I need to come up with a plan. Right now I just desperately want to find a job that pays better that doesnít require that I move out of the state. I think perhaps I still need to think about that second job, but it stresses me out to think about trying to work full time where I am working now, go to school, and try to make time for another job. Though it would certainly leave me little time to think about my non-existent love life. That alone merits it some thought. Once upon a time I worked a second job to give me some pseudo social interaction, and it worked. Though I was tired a lot, and it kept me from doing other stuff. ::sighs:: There seems to be no good way to face financial woes by oneself, other then to put your head down and work.
WellÖ enough whining for one day. Hopefully soon Iíll stop whining and ponder something more interesting.