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July 10, 2005 - Sunday, 10:54 p.m.

Peace and direction...

I enjoyed my days off from work and away. So much is still going through my mind, so much to think about. There seems to be a major shift happening in my mind, and my outlook. I donít even know where to start talking about it. I should be tired tonight, but my mind is going too much. Itís been a very long time since I even entertained a thought about pioneering. I think the last time I really seriously thought about it I was about 19 or 20 and was thinking about Finland. Iíve been thinking about it a lot lately. There is so much Iíd need to get into line before I would be ready to do that, the first being my financesÖ but beyond that my exercise level needs to increase significantly. Most any place I would think of would require that I be able to walk some distances and be able to handle some physical work.

No matter what transpires with Phil, I know that this is where this shift originated from. There has been a shifting in my level of bravery now for a number of weeks. I can feel a part of me that has been long gone that is beginning to surface again. The one that isnít afraid of the world. The one that is intrigued by it, the one that wants to figure out a way to do something in the world that can help, even if it is just on a small scale somewhere.

There has never been anyone in my life that really had a significant interest in the third world. Suddenly that possibility has jumped into my mind and Iíve been thinking about it. Over the past few days Iíve come to realize that I need to move from this area. It feels very clear. I know that I need to finish this last year of school, but then I think I really need to be looking for a job some place other then here. I am not sure why, but itís a strong feeling, and perhaps a stepping stone to where ever Iíll go after that.

A lot of refocusing and re-centering of myself over that last week or so, and I am not sure exactly what that is going to look like. I can see a lot of things that I need to get into alignment, things I need to do. So much to go over and sort out, but it feels nice.

I am missing Phil and hoping that heíll come back and have figured some things out about where he wants to be and where he wants to go, but I am at peace with my path at the moment and heís still in the midst of it, but not central to my progress. Itís a nice feelingÖ a lot of calmÖ and I am tired. Sleep is creeping up on meÖ so much in my mind I want to go over and through, but itíll have to wait.

Was a lovely and refreshing break from my life, this past few days. Really to move forward.

Sweet dreams. M.

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