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December 06, 2004 - Monday, 11:57 a.m.

Oh my... good Save!

Dark day yesterday. Sorry about that… seems if there is a hiccup in the process I jump into the pit of despair without a backward glance. Don’t know why… perhaps I feel disappointment is eminent, therefore I’d prefer to get through it right away. I need to definitely take two steps back and wait next time.

This morning, I couldn’t not go look, so I walked over to the cafeteria to make sure he was there and okay. I saw him, but I don’t believe he saw me, and I went back to my desk, relieved that he was at least okay enough to get to work today. He called me at about 10:30 at my desk. He was on his way to my house yesterday and his engine ceased up on his car. Had to call a tow truck, set up someone to help him do something with it so he could get to work today... cell went dead, and kids were on the landline at home on the Internet (which was an issue for him to as they didn't answer the phone there when he called either.) He didn't get home until about 9 pm and went right to bed... heard the phone message at 3 am on his home line... and then the message on the cell about 4:30 am when the phone was charged up and he was at work. He was concerned when he didn't see me at breakfast, he was concerned that I’d thought he’d just let me down and bailed on me, so he called. He was pretty flustered again. I felt pretty bad that I went dark so quick in my mind. I am usually so willing to let stuff slide, but I guess this time I was just so prepared to be let down, not as a reflection on him, because he has always seemed VERY sincere. It was completely a reflection of my feeling of my self-worth. Have to move away from that more quickly. Guess being burned makes one a little gun shy. Anyway, he offered to show up like TUESDAY and do it for me, unless I wanted to wait until the weekend. I said “No, no... That’s okay the weekend would be just fine.” I told him I did a few bricks, and I think they look okay, so we should be able to see if the mortar matches. I told him it wasn't THAT big of a deal. We decided that we will get together on Saturday and do the work. His voice relaxed again. I told him how much I appreciated that he called and that I had really needed the call. I also told him how sorry I was about his car.

I am sure that his concerns about letting me down made the car problem all the more frustrating. I imagine he was feeling every bit as bad as I was. I feel much better now. Optimism has returned to my heart and mind… that is good.

It’s a much better beginning to the week then I’d hoped for… I need to learn to hold onto the good thoughts a little harder.

Later… M.

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