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December 05, 2004 - Sunday, 4:35 p.m.


This is one of those days, that I thank God I managed to keep my mouth shut. I usually slip up somewhere and talk and then have see how everyone is disappointed for me, and feels sorry for 'poor M'. I was SOOoo tempted to talk to Maqui about this when we drove up to WP, but thankfully did not. I even almost let something slip to Char today, but didn't... thank goodness. I did call Phil and tell him I was expecting someone to show up, but am sure Phil doesn't think anything of it, and certainly won't say anything. So that is good. I only have to do the 'no big deal' thing with L and I am set. She's the only one I really talked about this with to any length.

Well, as you might of guessed, he was a no show today. I called... left a message on the cell and then a message on the home phone. It's three hours since he was going to show up, so I'm thinking... I don't know what to think! In my usual mode I first was thinking, 'I hope nothing bad happened', then that morphed into perhaps he just didn't know how to say 'no, I'd rather not help', or perhaps he just completely forgot about me. However, it feels pretty deliberate to turn off the cell phone and have the machine at home phone pick up after one ring. Feels like avoidance. ::sighs:: And, as usual, I am kicking myself for daring to have one hopeful thought. You foolish woman!! Disappointment has been a constant companion, what would make me think he'd take some time off?! Just because this guy seemed like a more gentle soul then any of the last multitude of people, doesn't mean he'd be any more interested? It would seem, what appeared as interest in my unperceptive eye was really just common courtesy that he bestows on hundreds of people a day as they walk by the grill. And nothing more then an offer for help that he might give to a total stranger. ::sigh:: Disappointment is very high, and the spirits very low. Where the hell do I go from here? I am pretty sure the ball is deep in his court. I've made my calls, and won't make any more. I left messages. If he doesn't call back, then that's that, and no more trips to the cafeteria. I'd love nothing more then a good explanation, I am very forgiving, however most of the hope that had managed to manifest itself has now died on the vine.

I worked on my bricks some, I think it is going to look okay. I have the week now to see how the 5 bricks I did look when they are dry. Probably good enough. I cleaned up and put the bricks back into the garage. Perhaps next weekend will be warm too and I can finish it up, and move to patching on the side of the house.

Once done cleaning up I sat in the chair on the front porch in the sun and listened to the cd player. Listened to a song here and there and then finally 'Unforgettable', by Natalie and Nat King Cole. Yup... the words felt to fit if you drop the 'un' from it. ::sighs:: "Forgettable, that's what you are. Forgettable in everyway, for now and ever more." GAH!! Pity party. ::sighs::

Enough of that. I should work on my homework, however my heart tells me to go to sleep... that tried and true escape..



It's nearly 8 pm. ::sighs:: I took a nap, and then IM'd with L some. She was really nice, but still I cried quite a bit, at least she wasn't listening to me do that. Just an IM, so that isn't too bad. At this point I am hoping for a non-tragic REALLY good reason that Mark stood me up. I don't expect that he'll call tonight now. Not going to hope too hard that he'll call at all, however. I have decided that I won't be going back to the cafeteria this week, or longer unless he does call me. I feel like he will just do a quick apology as I walk by to get breakfast, and I really feel like I deserve more then that.

This ended up feeling like a pretty crappy weekend. I think the boys are ordering pizza, I gave them the end of my cash. So much for the nice little reprieve from reality this week. Time to check back at Domino's and hope to start working that second job. Somehow I thought if I was actually going to contemplate even THINKING about any kind of a relationship that two jobs, school and being a Mom might just be a little TOO much on my plate. However, all things considered, I don't imagine that'll be an issue. Now I'll have plenty of time to panic about my finances, so I'd better do something about it.

I was going to get a new monitor for Curt's old PC, but I think I'll just let Justin upgrade it and use it for EQ2. I don't really need another PC, this one will suffice. I've already spent plenty of money on PC's, well probably for the rest of my life.

I hope next weekend is warm. I'd like to get the bulbs I bought planted in the garden out front before spring, so that perhaps they'll bloom this coming spring. The front flower bed could use some cleaning as well. However, I really need to focus on the basement over the next few weeks, before school starts back up. Gonna have to figure out how to do the tile work in the bathroom. I'll have to remember to borrow that saw from Steve.

Tuesday is the LAST day of class. Tomorrow night I'll finish up the LEAP project and then we'll get the final on Wednesday and should be able to finish it up by the weekend. Thursday night is L's Christmas Party, that should be fun. I'll be glad to have this semester behind me. Next weekend needs to be spent on the final and any work I can get done on the house. The following weekend we have our Christmas Party on Friday night and then Josh and Amity get married on Saturday. As my whole group is going to the Christmas Party, I'll attend, otherwise I wasn't going to go.

See? Plenty to do to keep busy.

Sweet dreams. M.

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