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June 02, 2004 - Wednesday, 3:38 p.m. passing...

Today is Char and Donny’s 14th Wedding anniversary. My baby sister… Amazing. She was just getting married as my marriage was falling apart. Within a year of the wedding I was separated from my X and another year after that divorced. Damn! Can’t believe how much time has gone by. My baby sister… Sheesh… I changed her diapers and now she’s been married longer then I was.

How terribly strange that feels. Of course my sisters have all passed me up… I am the oldest, but obviously not the smartest at making marriage choices. Camille, three years younger then me has been married for 23 years in September. Lynn (5 years younger) and Char (9 years younger) both 14 years this year. Me? I was only married for 10 years at the time of my divorce (only 9 years before we separated).

Every dream I ever had about marriage was that it would be forever. Someone I’d raise children with and grow old with. My parents have such a good marriage. (So do my siblings). Mom and Dad have been married 45 years Saturday. 45 years! My word! Almost half a century… They are still so happy together. They are a good example. Why didn’t I pay better attention?

Over the years I’ve whined a lot about being alone. Even though, technically I’m not alone. How can anyone be alone with 3 kids and a family that loves you? Well… so I am not ‘alone’, I am just alone. It’s one of those things I think about more and more as I feel my kids slipping away to adulthood. For years I wished for someone to be there as I raised my boys… not to raise them for me, but to tell me I was doing a good job and help me think through things. Now those years have passed there is no longer any wish or need for help. I did it by myself. But now I am facing what they call the ‘golden years’. I’d really prefer not to do it alone either. It’s good to know that I am perfectly capable of going to the end of my life alone. Just not my first choice.

I feel guilty about the whining. You know… the moment you feel a little sorry for yourself, all those that love you point out all the reasons you should be thankful. The list is presented for your memory jog. You have a house, a good job, great kids, good friends and a great family… These things are all so very true, but that often doesn’t take away the sting of going through all the high and low points in your life alone. I did stop ‘whining’ about it to my family. That seemed a good plan. They ended up just worrying and really what can you say to someone who is tired of being alone? Nothing. For the same reason I work real hard not to bring it up to my friends either. It’s one of those things you just push in a dark corner of your mind and only take out now and then. Like the days you are so very sad or so very happy and just wish there were someone sitting next to you that went through the battle with you, that you could share it with.

I think that there must be something in me that keeps me from meeting or finding someone. Not sure if it is fear, fear of being hurt or of being left alone again. There is some comfort in running your own show and making your own decisions. Or perhaps I just like whining. Gah!! Hope not!

Gah!! Have the feeling I am repeating myself. Like I’ve said this all before. Which, of course, in my mind equates to whining or somehow being terribly pathetic. Hate when my kids say, “Mom, you’ve told me this before.” Makes me feel like I have so little to say that I have to go back to the same old story. Ugh! Pathetic.

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