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May 24, 2004 - Monday, 6:15 a.m.

Morning breeze, balls and schedules...

It was cool again last night. I like it when it cools off during the night. It's quiet in the house this morning. I can hear the wind in the trees and the traffic on the expressway. It is shortly time to head to work. Camille will be by in about 20 minutes for me.

I just spent about half an hour updating here, and like a few times before, lost the whole thing. I hate that. How does one reconstruct their thoughts? It's almost impossible.

Somehow, I can't seem to shake the idea that my life is like a huge juggling act, and I am terribly inept at it. Though I manage to keep any number of balls in the air at any one time, and though it often looks, from a distance like, I am doing well, here, up close, I can see that I am standing in a pile of balls. For every ball I keep in the air, a dozen lay at my feet unattended. It's like the balls are all different sizes. Some of the important ones are pretty big and for that reason I seem to leave them on the ground alot, so I can keep the other ones in the air. Gah!! It is one of those days when I am noticing the ones on the ground and feeling a little lost.

I am still feeling guilty about yesterday. ::sighs:: I shoud have planned my day better and gone up to Char's for the Holy day observance and dinner. At the very least I should have said I wasn't coming in enough time for her to plan her dinner. I need to let that go, but I can't and I feel bad. How come it seems like everyone else is doing such a great job of juggling except me?!

I can sit here and say raising kids on my own, working full time and going to school take up a tremendous amount of time. Yet, I know there are dozen of people who do that and more. Why is it I fight 'the schedule' so completely? I seem to be in a constant battle with the things I 'must' do and the things I 'want' to do. How can I shift more of the 'must do' into the 'want to' column? I have issues with 'keeping a schedule'. Why? I can't seem to do anything at the same time every day. It's like it makes me crazy if I do. I only keep to a schedule those things that I feel I MUST... like working Monday through Friday... though as no one says anything I arrive at different hours every day. I go to school on the nights of class. But that is it. Everything else is a free for all. What I do each evening... when I eat... when I sleep... when I do ANYTHING... it's never at a particular time. No one could follow my 'schedule'... cuz there isn't one. No matter how strongly I mentally feel that structure would be good for me, I can't make it happen. I fight it on a subliminal level. ::sighs::

It's time to get finished getting ready. I don't want to keep Camille waiting... or make her late. This is another 'schedule' I can keep.... but it's for Camille. Not me. ::sighs::

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