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September 24, 2007 - Monday, 11:41 p.m.

Clouds...

After work I went and helped S return his rental car. On the way back to his apartment he told me that he�d talked to a guy at work, I guess about me. That I was a Bah�� came up in the conversation and he told S, that he should run now! ::sighs:: That the Bah�� Faith is a �satanic cult�. Dam. It makes me sad to think that someone thinks that about the Faith. It makes me even sadder to think that he probably made his decision on this based on interaction with a single individual. To be judged sight unseen hurt. I asked S if he valued the guys opinion. He told me �yes� and that he felt that the guy was very Godly. ::sighs:: He also told me that he didn�t have any intention of running. He treated me just the same as always. Still� it makes me feel so very sad. Like a cloud hanging over me. Probably a good chance the guy will ask him every now and then if he�s ditched me yet. ::sighs:: I don�t know what to think. There is NOTHING that I can say that is going to �change� the opinion of the guy I don�t know. There is no amount of talking that I�d do to try to convince S that the guy is wrong. I guess it is up to S to weigh things and make his own decision. If I was evil like this guy seems to have implied how would S have missed that all these months?!? I guess S will have to see with his own eyes what he thinks. If he can�t see me for who I am, and can�t see the Faith as a good thing, then he isn�t the person I thought he was.

I have no intention of ever �converting� S to the Faith. I know that the Faith is a gift, you should always offer it to people, but it is their choice to accept it or not. I have no requirement to convert anyone. I only have the requirement to offer it. As long as he is a good person, who I know that he is, then I believe that God will take care of him every bit as much as he would take care of me. I have a huge open loving heart, and it just hurts that someone would think me evil without ever meeting me. That some one would warn someone I care a great deal about away from me. ::sighs::

My thoughts that things were going really good, feel very much dampened. I feel fragile and sad. S didn�t seem different tonight, but I fear the things this guy said to him will hang in his mind, and it will hurt me unbearably if he chooses to believe this guy over what he has come to know of me over the last 5 months.

Does it seem too much to hope that someone could just love me for who I am? That they could accept all the things that I am, and see that good in me?! My God, I spend this huge portion of my life and effort taking care of people and loving people. I feel just crushed.

::sighs:: I got my review today. It wasn�t outstanding, but the review was good. I got a 4.5% raise, which wasn�t bad out of the 5% possible. After 20 years I am finally making what my dad was making 18 years ago. Is that sad or what?!? I felt pretty good about it any way� but now there is this cloud hanging over me and I can�t find the good feeling I had at 4:30 pm today.

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