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August 29, 2007 - Wednesday, 10:52 p.m.

Why didn't someone slap me?

Why am I so stupid? Why do I think things might change? This was a bad night and I feel like a BIG fool. ::sighs:: Am I so dense that I refuse to see things? I think he is just avoiding me, but in a very nice way. ::sighs:: I need to stop staying so long when I go to see him. I so totally want to be there, but I think 20 minutes of me is enough for him; then he is just politely waiting for me to leave. I am pretty darn sure I am red... fucking red� yet again. He just hasn�t figured out a way to tell me yet, but I am sure he will. Why do I always fall for someone who doesn�t fall for me? I was so hoping it would be different this time. This is so totally one sided� it�s just me. There has to be something wrong with me. No matter what anyone says, there is always a �but� at the end of the sentence. You are nice, but�. You are so sweet, but�. It�s so nice to have you visit, but� It�s really so fun to hang out with you, but�. I�d love to go do that with you, but�Ya..ya.. I am AWESOME. I am SOOOOooo nice. SO what?!?! He says that, but then he has a number of OTHER friends that are AWESOME too. I am SOOOOooo stupid. ::sighs::

We play this game online. I switched servers so I could play with him. I worked for 3 months to get my character close to a level of ANY of his characters. He helped me about 8 times. Mostly he played his level 70 guy with other people, often with complete strangers. It was the activity, not the company. The rest of the time I either played alone, with his son, or sometimes with any group I could find. About two weeks ago he started working on a character about 10 leaves lower then me, and I stopped leveling to help him catch up with me. But really, for the most part, he gets online before me and if ANY one asks him to do anything he�s already occupied when I get online. The group of people I was playing with have leveled up now (about 10 levels ahead of me) and now HE�s playing with them with his guy that is 10 level above me. So now I�m not even playing with the group I was enjoying playing with. I�m not playing with him� I�m back to playing alone. This so totally sucks!! That was my problem on the server with my sister. She always was working on stuff with her friends and I was always trying to catch up. I got close to them, but then they managed to stay about 2 or 3 levels ahead and they had always already finished whatever quests I was working on. I am so good about helping other people, but nobody helps me consistently. Nobody is wishing I�d catch up with them. I was hoping maybe it would be different, but it isn�t. I don�t want pity help.

SHIT, I�ve done it again!! I have progressed to a point with him where I want to do something with him, and I don�t care what it is. I just want to be with him. And he is at that other level; the one where you want to do something, and if the other person happens to be around then great, but if they aren�t doing something YOU want to do, then too bad for them. SHIT!! I am there for the company and he is there for the activity. Why can�t it be, just this once that they are there for the company too? That they just want to be with me, and it doesn�t matter what I am doing. Like I said, I am stupid.

I would give people the shirt off my back, but there aren�t many people there rooting for me and being there for me. I have a couple friends� but they are all pretty involved in their lives� and though I love my sisters so much, they really are all too busy to do much with me. I�ve been a third wheel for 16 years, and I am so tired of it. I am sure my friends would be HAPPY to have me hang around some, but always I�m the extra. The fucking extra person ALWAYS�

Why did I let my hopes get up? I am so stupid. I just need to accept again that this is my life, no more, no less. It�s me, myself and I against the world. If I make it I make it, if I don�t I don�t. Period. There isn�t going to be a team behind me. There isn�t going to be anyone helping me do stuff. I need to do it myself, whatever it is. I need to get back out in the yard. I meant to get so much done this summer, but I didn�t. I was going to lay down hose for a sprinkler system. I was going to put down rock. I was going to have a garden. There are a few plants out there, but I didn�t take care of them this year. The yard is full of weeds. The house is a mess. I need to find a new job if I ever want to retire.

I�ve now spent an hour crying. I was on the edge of it most of the night. I have a headache and wish I had some really good prescription that would make me sleep and not care. I just want to crawl under the covers and not come out for days. I don�t want to go to work, I just want to run away� ::sighs:: Who would even notice?!? Who would care?!? Only the people that didn�t have me there to do the stuff they needed done.

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