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August 19, 2006 - Saturday, 10:52 p.m.

Let�s start with the little I wrote on my Lake Trip.

Monday, July 31, 2006

It was hot last night. I lay in bed and tried to sleep. Finally at about 3 am I crawled out of bed and went outside to side in my canvas chair. I sat out right in front of the cabin, but there wasn�t even a breeze. It was unbelievably still, hot and muggy. I dragged my chair down to the beach and sat down. Someone was out on the lake trolling. I could hear the drone of the boat motor and every now and then a snippet of their conversation. It was dark and quiet. Still not much of a breeze, but it was cooler. I could see the twinkling of the lights in the cabins on the other side of the lake. The moon was behind me and below the view left visible above the trees. I drifted in and out of sleep as I sat there. I was startled awake by a dog running by. I jumped out of my chair and shooed the dog away, but then I was awake. Cool enough, I went back into the cabin and lay back down on the bed.

It�s Monday evening already. It�s been hot here since we�ve arrived and I�ve already been in the lake more then I have in the last couple of trips to the lake. The water is a wonderful temperature and a number of us go out and visit in the water. There are so many young kids between about 4 and 11. It is fun to watch them all together, so few people ever get to know their second cousins.

Late this afternoon, rain clouds rolled in and we had a nice rain, and some thunder and lightening. Finally the temperature has dropped and I am sure I�ll sleep well tonight.

Over the last month or so I�ve started reading a couple of books and I�ve finished them both now. I need to look through my pile of books and see what I want to start reading tomorrow. It�s been relaxing. I think I�ll watch a movie with Megan.

Back to the present�

It�s been almost a month since I last wrote. It was a wonderful vacation, similar to all the trips to the lake that preceded it. It was such a relaxing time with my family. This was the first time since I can remember that all of my kids didn�t come.

The week before we left for the lake was the court hearing for Kyle for custody of Maleah. The hearing went well and he was given 50% of the time, however M vetoed his trip to the lake with Maleah. Though originally she said it would be fine, she changed her mind. SURPRIZE!! Not. The weekend following the hearing I had Lee�s baby shower at my house.

Justin and Moon weren�t able to come to the Lake. Moon couldn�t get the time off, and Justin wasn�t going to come without her. Then Curtis started a new job delivering pizza and as Kyle couldn�t come to the lake I didn�t encourage Curtis to try to bargain with his new employer. I figured it would be easier for Kyle to swallow not being able to come. It was strange.

We took Camille�s new car to the lake. It was Philip, Maureen and I� and then we picked up Josh in Greeley. The drive passed quickly. We were the last group to leave the Springs and the first group to arrive at the Lake.

Our last day at the lake I went out for a boat ride and eventually made an attempt at water skiing. I am sure you�ll be surprised to hear that I actually got my butt out of the lake and skied around the lake some. It�s been a very long time since I last succeeded at skiing. It was definitely a day to be recorded. It was an accomplishment that I�ve hoped to do for a few years now, and I did it!!

Since our return from the Lake I�ve been working a lot. I�ve been trying to pick up what over time I can get away with. The whole finances thing is stressing me out. I am on the edge of a deep ravine it seems, one miss step and it�s a LONG ways down, though probably a quick trip.

I�ve not thrown myself into looking for a new job yet. I guess I must be procrastinating. I am very afraid of failing� and if I am not careful it�ll be self fulfilling. I am not sure what I am going to do. This month will be okay, but it is almost September. I am not sure how I am going to pull all my payments off. I just need to focus on figuring it out.

I�ve been in a serious escape mode, working until 7 or 8 at night, and then staying up half the night. I�ve been escaping into World of Warcraft. At least there I feel like I have some control over my accomplishments. There is a direct cause and effect there. If you do the task, you get the reward. Period. Real life just isn�t like that.

Some days it feels like everything is spinning out of control. I returned from vacation just in time for the company I work for to make headline business news. The board voted the CEO and founder of the company out of a job. He is fighting it and there are rumors of a possible sale of the company. The guy currently running it came from a company that was into buying and disassembling companies and selling them off in pieces. Though I agree that there needs to be some changes, I�d hate to see my job disappear. It�s scary to think about. I just continue working hard and hoping that perhaps I�ll find my way.

Lee had her baby early Tuesday morning (a few hours after midnight). I was there, as was my sister Charlotte, Lee�s husband and daughter. Her son is a beautiful baby. His color was so poor when he was born. He was literally blue. I realized as I looked at him that THAT is what Philip must have looked like when he was born. They told me he was blue, but now I know what that looks like. Vincent�s color was good within minutes. What a sight to see, it was wonderful to be there to share that moment with them. I was up at the hospital well after midnight Tuesday and Wednesday nights, visiting Lee. She went home on Thursday and they are both doing well.

Today I spent my day working on a �movie� of the pictures I took for Lee. I backed up and included any of the earlier pictures of her and Gaby that I had, and pictures from her wedding and baby shower. I like how it turned out. Now I want to do the same thing with MY pictures. We�ll see.

Later� M.