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June 02, 2006 - Friday, 2:22 a.m.

Sleep... please...

I mean to sleep, but so far I am not doing very well. It�s nearly 2 am and I have a headache. Perhaps I am tired. The week is nearly over. Work has been busy, only because I have chosen to work on designs this week. The realization that I am really going to find a job somewhere else and my nineteen year run at the same company is going to come to an end is starting to set in. It all feels strange.

I recall reading a book a number of years ago called Soul Mates. There was something in there about how the soul gravitates to the known and comfortable. How eventually home calls to you. I am feeling that way about my life. At work there is great comfort in the known. I like my space. I like knowing what my day will bring. It�s the same with my house. I like being here. It feels comfortable and safe. It feels like home. I can feel that the balance of my life is going to be upset. Not that it is bad or good, it�s just different. I�ll be changing to a new job, perhaps a new place to live as well in a new city. It all feels unsettling. I know change is eminent, but still I am struggling with it mentally. I am starting to look for a job. I feel myself dragging my feet on the one hand and panicking on the other as I worry about my finances. It�s scary. I am worried about not finding anything. Every day I can feel the acceptance of my departure settling in with people at work. I can feel that it is time to change, to move on. But it is scary.

The house is quiet tonight. The boys are sleeping. I watched some TV tonight. I didn�t play on the computer. Earlier in the evening I went to the movies with D. We went and saw X-men III. That�s the second time this week. (I went Tuesday evening with Ethan and Megan.) D and I went out to dinner as well. Once home I just rattled around some. My head hurts� I am restless beyond measure. It�s warm in my room. I am going to try to open the windows up some more. Alas they are already wide open. There seems to be no wind and it is quiet outside. I�ve taken something for my headache, Tylenol PM, perhaps it�ll help me sleep as well.

I need to make some time to read. I need to make some time at work. I need to get up and walk away from my desk during the day. I really should just go outside and sit and read like I did last summer for my lunch break. I have a feeling of dread often sneaking up on me. I haven�t pinpointed the source, but I think a lot of it is a reaction to the thought of change and the persistent feeling that I am not doing the things that I should. I feel like I have slipped into an escape mode where I am often procrastinating about far too much. Gah!!

I know I am far too tired to continue pondering all of this stuff. I HAVE to try to sleep. As you can see I am agitated. Far too much feels overwhelming.

Sleep my dear� sleep. M.

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