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January 10, 2006 - Tuesday, 10:00 p.m.

When I leave work all I want to do is come home and stay there. I am hard put to get myself out of the house again once I�ve gotten home. It seems I am still staying at work until after 5 pm every night� and a few nights beyond 7 pm. It makes the evening start later. I can�t just come home and go to bed. I need to unwind and get mentally ready to sleep. So it�s been after 1 am each night before I�ve fallen asleep.

I seem to be struggling with finding my place, a place where I need to be. It doesn�t seem like I have one. It just makes me restless and tired. Other then at work, I tend to feel superfluous every where else. Not good. It would seem I am drifting on the edge of depression again.

I�m not feeling bad physically, but my last appointment with the endocrinologist was to go over my lab work. Seems there are things in my blood work that could possibly indicate reasons for the kidney stones and high blood pressure. One of which is possible tumor(s) in the adrenal glands. So we have all sorts of stuff I need to do to help the doctor get lab work that can help to rule things out. I also have a vitamin D deficiency. I mentioned this to my son Philip, and he pointed out that lack of sunlight can cause that. Though I�m guessing it is something else, it probably doesn�t help that I am not getting out into the light much. So for a while here I�m taking a fist full of pills every day. Have to bring up the potassium and the vitamin D, and then there is the iron the other doctor has me taking, as well as blood pressure meds, multivitamins� I feel like some elderly woman with her little pill boxes to keep everything straight.

In the last week I also went and saw the surgeon that did my surgery. It seems there is a very plausible reason for that excruciating pain I had last month. It has to do with the fact that there was some membrane in the abdominal cavity that they didn�t sew up. It used to be taken care of by scar tissue when they did this surgery in the traditional manner, but with laparoscopic surgery there is so little scare tissue that it didn�t heal close� SOOOoo it would seem that the intestines can herniate through that opening and put a kink in my digestive track. I guess they now sew up that membrane, so if the CT shows that as an issue, I�ll probably have to do some outpatient surgery to sew THAT up. So now the CT will check that as well as look at the adrenals for any growths. Gah!! I guess it�ll all be worth it if they can figure out something that they can do to fix all this stuff.

It seemed that Phil was out last week. I dropped off one of his books at his desk late in the week and confirmed he was out. I wrote him a short email telling him I�d dropped off the book, and got a short response this week thanking me for returning it, and he said he WOULD have had a nice time off from work, but came down with the flu and was sick most of the time he was out. I don�t know why that is noteworthy, but there it is. I do think about him a lot as I�m driving home or on errands. It isn�t pining of any sort, but mostly I just ponder how it was that I couldn�t figure out that we weren�t well matched. And I go over it in my mind, and mostly just feel stupid. Stupid for seeing something in him, that he had no desire to find there, stupid for throwing myself completely in to trying to have a relationship. It weighs on my mind a lot. It�s time to let that just slip away and forget it all.

Nothing much happened in the last week, other then the Dr Appointments. Then there was a birthday party on Saturday, and Sunday I took Mariah to see �Narnia�, and went up to WP. That was my weekend for the most part.

I need to get my parking permit for school already. That class starts on Monday. I need to get the books as well. It�s nearly 10 pm� I need to finish unwinding and get some sleep.

Sweet dreams. M.