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December 22, 2005 - Thursday, 10:18 p.m.

Hi-ho, hi-ho... it's off to work I go...

I think I am depressed. I going through the motions of �my job is important, it takes up lots of time�. (I know I am repeating myself, but I am trying to make sense of what my life looks like. It isn�t what I want it to look like, so I�m fumbling around trying to figure out what I�ll let it look like within my control.) At some point over the last month I�ve decided that �my career� needs to be the focus of my life. It�s where my �time� should be spent. I must have decided that, because I keep staying at work forever. I get into work late, work through breaks and lunch, unless someone comes and asks me to go to lunch, which probably happens maybe a couple times a week. Otherwise I am not going to the cafeteria and getting lunch, or going outside and just sitting. I just sit at my desk and work. Really work. I don�t surf the internet or write email. Now that L isn�t working any more I don�t have anyone to write to, so I don�t write. I also don�t check my mail very often, I just work. I have a couple hundred emails I haven�t read on my work email account. I am trying to keep up, but there seems to be a lot going on. I am keeping up with the current day, but I have mail from days I was out that I just haven�t had a chance to get to. By the end of the day I just sit at my desk and think about going home, but I don�t feel like getting up and going home. I just keep working on whatever I am working on. Sometimes I remember things I should have done and do them. I am really feeling at lose ends. Once I get home, I go to my room, check my email, fold clothes or something, and then proceed to stay up well past midnight. I�m not really accomplishing anything at home. In some ways I am just shutting down once I get home. Once I finally fall asleep then I sleep in the next morning and start the cycle over again. .

I walked into work at about 10 am, and didn�t really leave my desk until about 3 pm when I went to get my nails done, then back to my desk until almost 8 pm. It was a busy day. I have about 3, 4, 5 designs that need to get done� some big number. Most of them are in various stages of completeness. Many of the customers are still changing their minds, so I am only working the design to a point and then starting on another.

I�m tired tonight. I imagine that is a good thing. The weather has definitely gotten warmer. Really you only need a light jacket.

I�ve been in a mood lately. I wish I could put my finger on it, but I don�t seem to be able to. Perhaps it is just from feeling tired, but in some ways I am feeling really lethargic. I am not eating well either. Today I had some baklava that one of the guys brought in and a small bag of chips, a few sunflower seeds and then a burrito from Taco Bell at about 4 pm. I got home tonight and ate a few crackers, a piece of cheese and two small pieces of pizza. The baklava was too much, it tasted good, but it isn�t sitting well on my stomach. I�m done for today. I didn�t eat breakfast or get any lunch. I�m not getting hungry and I don�t feel like eating. It would be nice if I lost some weight, but I think I am eating just enough junk to keep me from doing that.

The house is quiet tonight. No music or TV�s on anywhere. Just silence. I am lying in bed with the lap top. The lights are out and a number of candles are lit. I find that to be soothing and restful, plus it smells good. We are creeping up on Christmas. I still need to get another gift for T and something for L, and then I am about done. I don�t have much to buy. I�ll probably go out tomorrow night and shop some. I am looking forward to the four day weekend. Plenty of time to sleep, read and do nothing, should be nice.

I am going up to Lynn�s during that afternoon on Christmas Eve, and then up to L & T�s for the evening. I am thinking that my boys will be with their Dad, which is where they usually are for Christmas. Christmas Day will be quiet, I�m not going any place, and the boys will be gone again that day too.

I really need to get good nights sleep here, that doesn�t start at 2 am. It�s only about 10 pm, but I am ready for sleep.

I hope to unravel this mess soon, it�s wearing me out.

I just heard the whistle blow on the train going through town. It made me smile. I wish the window were open so I could hear the outside sounds, but it�s a little too cold for that. The silence is deafening� why is that? Does everyone hear a high pitched whiny sound when there is silence? Some times it drives me crazy and I turn on the TV to drown out that buzzing sound. My eyes keep drooping closed. The bed is comfy and so are my pillows.

I bought �Secondhand Lions� at Target on Tuesday night. I love that movie. I think I�ll put that in the DVD player, turn the TV on low (and set to turn off in an hour) and snuggle down into bed and watch it.

Sweet dreams� M.

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