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December 22, 2005 - Thursday, 2:08 a.m.

I went out to lunch with D & K today. It was K�s birthday today. There was another party from work at the same restaurant; they were there for a retirement lunch for some one. There sat Phil, but he didn�t see me, so that was okay. I realized here in the last couple of days, that I�m not even close to the sort of woman Phil seems to go for. Don�t know why I didn�t see it before. Most of them are a little I don�t know� coarser then me? They are a little bit harder then me. Hmmm� I�m trying to be nice here. Suffice it to say that I am nice, and most of them are not. Pretty much they are about the polar opposite of me. I am glad to be mentally done with him. It still bothers me some, but I�m not wishing for it to work out any more. I think it is best to just let that one get away.

Two more days of work and then 4 days off. I have no idea what I am going to do. I feel a little lost. I should be thrilled about having time off, but if I was working I wouldn�t have so much time to think. I have cleaning to do, and perhaps I�ll read some. I really need to get started on reading all those books that I have stacked up to read.

I was pretty sad as I drove home from work today. I walked in the house and Curtis had been doing laundry today, so there were piles of clothes for me to fold. I did that and then cleaned my room. I worked real hard not to spend any time thinking tonight. Once my room was clean, I sat down on the computer and played a game online until about 12:45 am. It was pretty numbing. It kept me from thinking; however it really didn�t feel too productive. Guess I wasn�t focusing on productivity, but more on not dealing with how I was feeling.

Now I am really tired, but still the mind won�t be silent. I took some Tylenol PM, so hoping I�ll get sleepy here soon. I�m starting to feel like a broken record. Woe is me, nothing works out. ::pout, pout:: Really and truly I need to just accept that this is what it is, nothing more, nothing less, and move on. Tying up this last �interest�, has put this whole issue and/or thought to bed I think. There isn�t anyone else that I am even slightly interested in, and I really don�t want to look. K was telling me she is thinking about going onto E-Harmony, and some how I just can�t get into that idea at all. Somehow it feels like�I don�t know, like I am thinking, �Hmmm, I�d like to see a movie.� So I go out and look and I find 5 reasonable movies, and having to pick one I pick the best of the five. Now it might not be the movie I really want to see, but HEY, I need to see a movie, so any movie is better then no movie right? Some how that is how the dating service thing feels to me. I don�t want to do it, so I am sure that I won�t.

In some alternate universe there are people that have friends and family that look for someone that they think would be a good match for them. However, I don�t live in that universe. I think perhaps I am impossible to look for, and so no one really bothers to try. Or if they have tried, that can�t find anyone either. That whole scenario always did seem like something out of a movie and not something that really works or happens in real people�s lives.

What did Tim say? Oh yah, he said, �I find you to be a very interesting and really neat lady.� It seems that only men that are already married or in a relationship have that thought. I am also �nice�, pretty much the kiss of death. I don�t know that I can bear to be hurt again. I really need to focus on work and� I don�t know, reading I guess. I�ll be okay in a couple days. I always bounce back, I�m resilient don�t you know? And like everyone says, I really am lucky and I have a great family, a job I enjoy and a home I like, many people don�t have that. Perhaps I am just trying to take another piece when I already have my fair share.

I am so tired I can hardly stand it. I need to go to sleep. Things will be easier to face in the morning. I am really going to try to just stop talking about this stuff. It just makes me feel stupid when it blows up in my face. I feel foolish talking like things have possibilities, when they really don�t. I feel� I guess really vulnerable and stupid that I let my friends listen to my hopeful chatter. I would really rather that they all thought that I am happy with the way things are so they wouldn't have to be on the edge of that disappointment. Life is disappointing enough, with out being aware of all the disappointments happening around us. I know it is silly to �suffer in silence�, but somehow that feels like I am saving face when I do it, like somehow I don�t look pathetic.

I am drifting off here as I type.

Sweet dreams, things will look better in the morning.

::hugs:: M.