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November 27, 2005 - Sunday, 1:01 p.m.

I didn�t get home until about 11 pm and then ended up being unable to fall asleep. I watched "Enterprise" for hours, finally falling asleep at some undisclosed hour. I�ve completely messed up my sleep again! I slept until about 11 this morning, which means I�ll be hard put to fall asleep tonight again.

I�ve been thinking over the past few days, and though it isn�t an earth shattering discovery, I�m looking at stuff from a slightly different angle then I have in the past. At some point it dawned on me that I actually believe things can be different then they are. I think that all my life I have looked at a relationship as something I needed to work at making happen, and in the process I�ve ended up with men that I thought I wanted, but ended up not being what I really wanted. If I am always the pursuer, if I always work to keep the door open, I ended up with men that don�t seem to be self motivated. They are never going to be men that are going to make things happen, they end up being men that wait for the world and life to happen TO them. I don�t know if it was the first time the thought that not only COULD someone make the decision that I was interesting and pursue it, but that THAT is what I really want in a man. One that knows how to take control and make things happen and yet really wants my opinion and listens to me. One that might sit on the couch talking to his brother or best friend, and the words that would come out of his mouth would be, �Well... there is this interesting woman at work, school (where ever) and I�d like to get to know her.� I guess I never really thought about that conversation or that it really could happen where I am involved. Yet, yesterday it hit me that not only could it happen, but that eventually it will happen. That I really deserve someone that truly WANTS to be with me, and not just because I just happened to be in the path of least resistance. Gah!! I think I have been putting my self in that spot most of my life, in hopes that someone might stumble upon me. I guess I finally figure that I merit being FOUND, not just stumbled upon.

Honestly, at this point, I don�t see that Phil will ever step into that arena. He joins Gary and Matthew there. Though Gary has begun to take control of his own life, after years of letting it happen to him, I believe Matthew is still waiting for life to find him. Phil, I am afraid, doesn�t even feel that he deserves to have life happen TO him let alone pursue it. Which makes me sad, but truly isn�t something that I can do anything about. Perhaps this just has to do with me, perhaps they haven�t felt that I was worth that effort, but it seems to me that I�ve seen the same thing in other spheres of their lives.

I really do want that man that will come looking for me. That will hope he says the right thing. At this point in time there is only one person, which I find interesting, that might actually look to make things happen. Most likely it is someone I haven�t even met yet. But Tim, he has potential, to be that person. It seems to me that he does pursue in other aspects of his life, so perhaps� oh� who knows. He is very intelligent and very much a thinker. He steps up to make things happen in his life, even if he doesn�t think it�ll work. What comes to mind is the chance he took to visit his daughter in California. Not only did he hope to see her when he got there, but he called a number of times trying to get her once he arrived, and when he finally talked to her, she wanted to come home, and he took her home again. He was beside himself with joy. It is so very clear how very much he loves his daughter. There is always the chance that she�ll slip back to the place she was, but he works and hopes to help her make it different. He does it despite the fact that he�ll be tremendously hurt if she falls again. He knows that she is completely worth it. This man so very obviously takes his familial relationships to be very, very important, and to me that is a huge plus in my list. I don�t know that he is what I am looking for, or if it would end up being a worthwhile relationship, but I am willing to take that chance and look at it. The man should at least have an inkling that I could be interested. I have shown enough interest over the last few months if he�s been paying attention at all. The ball needs to be taken up by him, and if not, then he isn�t the person I think he is. It is very hard to stay open to the possibilities and yet stay on course with the things that I do have control over.

In some ways it seems like a double standard that I should expect the man in my life to make the moves. But, you know, that is the sort of man I want in my life. I am incredibly independent and self sufficient. I know that about myself. I have proven it not only to myself but the world at large by raising my kids on my own. I have been on my own for nearly 15 years!! I have met the challenges that life handed me, and am prepared to face the challenges for the remainder of my life if that�s how it is. What I really want in my life, and have never actually been around, is a man that does take control of his own life. That isn�t afraid to step out into life and chance being hurt, chance things NOT working out. FINALLY, I am ready to take those chances myself. I was worried for years that I never would. I�ve baulked at the possibility that I might get hurt again for years and years. So, I�ve figured out that the sort of man I�d like in my life actively pursues what he wants in life.

I think I am going to start repeating myself soon, if I haven�t already.

It�s already Sunday. ::sighs:: I wish my weekend would have lasted longer. It�s cold today. It was in the 60�s yesterday and it is hovering at freezing today. We won�t get over 40 for the rest of the week. I�m hungry, and I don�t feel like cooking anything. Perhaps I should wander over to Village Inn and get myself some breakfast. That sounds good.

Later� M.