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October 26, 2005 - Wednesday, 3:16 p.m.

Sunday I managed to get myself to do all the reading and answer the questions for my online class. I then went to Ruhi at my parents. Dinner was lovely and the class as always thought provoking and calming. When I got home, around 9 pm, I wanted to get myself to work on my paper and then study for my test on Monday. However, it was beyond me. I watched some TV and struggled to fall asleep. I made the decision before I even got home that I was going to take Monday off and write my paper and study for my test.

I got out the candle that Phil gave me when he came back from Belize and lit it this weekend. I�ve decided to burn the whole thing, rather then save it. I somehow got to thinking that perhaps I could use it to measure the amount of time it�ll take me to �get over� all of this. It�s a specific window of time - one candle�s worth. I�m going to burn it every night until it�s gone - a couple hours a night. It sits next to my bed and I can look at it and process what I can of all this. I can�t help but think of him as I watch it burn, but once it is gone, perhaps I can shut the door on the feelings � at least mentally.

I didn�t fall asleep very well, but eventually did. I was up about 9 am Monday morning and had the paper done and turned in by about noon. I spent that afternoon at Village Inn studying for the test. By 5 pm I figured I had about as much in my brain as was going to fit and I went home. Washed the kitchen floor and folded some clothes. Something to relax the mind to make sure the information would flow out when I sat down to take the test. It worked. I sat down in class to take the test and had finished all five essay questions in just under an hour. I knew I�d written down all that there was in my mind and I got up and left. I was the first one done.

Again, sleep is not coming easily to me. The mind doesn�t rest and I find I can�t get myself to shut my eyes and fall asleep with out the help of Tylenol PM, and some time some benedryl as well. Tuesday I got into work just after 9:30 am. No Phil, as a matter of fact he didn�t come in at all yesterday. I called and left a message on his phone to make sure he was okay, but he never called back.

Last night I went to Mary�s for our study circle. We are still working out of the same book, and it�s still about communication. I so much enjoy the visit and the readings really make for good discussions.

Today Phil�s here. Still I have heard nothing from him, but not surprising, he probably doesn�t even listen to his cell phone messages. Whatever.

L called me on Sunday at about noon. She and T are getting married on Friday!! Yes� the Friday that is two days from now. She is completely freaking out. I am happy for her. I think she and T will be wonderful together. He�s a good man, and he loves her and her daughter. I always knew that she�d get married again, even though through the years she seriously doubted it. She has gotten her life so much more in order and a focus of direction that she�d needed and things have started to work out for her. I am happy for her and proud of her. She so deserves good things in her life, and to see them coming to fruition warms my heart.

I find that personally I am still struggling with the things I have been struggling with this year, since the passing of my grandmother and my aunt. I�m having a terrible time shaking the feeling of not being alive. I�ve made great strides, but I�ve fallen back in some areas as well. I find that I am truly struggling with depression. Most days I am fine, but some days are terribly, terribly dark. Sometimes there is almost a paralysis that sets in. I seem unable to get myself to move in any direction. Some part of my mind keeps thinking I should be able to just �fix this� and a feeling that there is �something wrong with me� if I can�t. But another part of me knows that I cannot continue to struggle with this without help. I�ve made a doctor appointment for next week with my primary Dr. and am going to ask for medication. Perhaps Wellbutrin, which worked well for me a few years ago, with basically no side effects. Hopefully that�ll allow me a better outlook.

I have also been trying to figure out a direction to go. Some of my friends highly recommend that I look into a dating service, and that leaves me cold. I cannot imagine myself stepping into that deliberate arena. I need to just settle down and work on the modest goals I have for career and perhaps getting into shape. Focus on reading in my spare time; I�ve dozens of books that I�ve been meaning to read. This whole thing with Phil has left me pretty gun shy. Perhaps it is time to just come to peace with being alone for the rest of my life. It isn�t that onerous of a prospect, it�s just a shift of direction, and requires some thinking on how to comfortably see the world on my own before I die. Truly, the next 5 to 10 years will be just digging out of this financial hole. I�ve decided to quit trying to think about a second job. I�ve only about 7 more months of school to go. I can struggle through that, and if I am still at this job in May, I�ll find a second job for the summer and then onward until I find something better paying. The only other thing I know I need to do is find a way to go to sleep at night so I can get up earlier in the morning. I think I HAVE to go to the gym in the evenings, before bed. I�d like to set a goal to do that starting tonight!!! Something has to give.

Just thinking through this is giving me some peace of mind, so that is good.

Back to work�

M.