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August 18, 2005 - Thursday, 10:19 p.m.

It seemed a long day today, though really it went by quickly. I sat outside at lunch and read. I am reading one of the books that Phil loaned me �The White Dragon�. I like it, I always do like fantasy. I�ll probably finish it over the weekend; I�m caught up in it. It is the third book in a series, I am not sure why he gave me the third book first, but I�ll probably go back and read the other two after I am done with this one. Jim stopped by when he got back from lunch and asked me if I was going to the jam tonight, I told him I was thinking about it. Really, I wanted to go tonight, but I was unable to find anyone to go with me, so that left me home. A few weeks ago, I just would have gone, but now I don�t feel like I can any more, unless I have someone with me and lining up people to go isn�t a small task, and even if I get them lined up, there is no guarantee that they actually go. It bummed me out to stay home tonight. ::sighs:: Even finding another venue, where Phil won�t feel responsible for me, doesn�t work, because really I don�t want to go to bars by myself, and really I go just to see him and Jim play. So I am back to feeling restless, where I was four months ago. I�ve decided if Jim asks why I didn�t come last night that I am going to tell him the truth. �I wanted to come, but I couldn�t find anyone to go with me,� and then I�ll let the chips fall as they may. He�s a friend of Phil�s, but if he says anything like �I thought you came with Phil�, I�ll say �Ya� I kinda hoped that, but I guess I wasn�t what he was looking for when he starting thinking about a girlfriend.� Life sucks some days. Actually I don�t know exactly what I�d say, but a lot of thoughts and ideas run through my head.

My workout at the gym was tough tonight. I hurt everywhere. The trainer worked me hard, but I did it. I absolutely HATE watching myself in the mirror. I look awful to me. I am exceedingly critical and I just feel fat looking in the mirror. It sucks. Exercising in front of a mirror is enough to stop you from eating altogether. I really don�t like feeling fat, it�s depressing� and sadly enough I know that it matters to some guys� well� most guys. Depressing� gah!!

One of the lady�s (K) that I work with at work says there is this thing that radio station is putting on in the morning� �A Mile of Men� or some such thing� she invited me to join her and a number of other women from work at Starbucks in the morning to take a look at the guys. I guess they�ll be lined up on Tejon tomorrow?! Gah!! That is so not me. I talked to K today about maybe coming with me to the jams now and then. She thought she and D might enjoy coming, so they might come next week. I figure I probably need more female friends and should think about going just to see the show. I guess it matters if I can drag myself out of bed in the morning in enough time to get there at 7 am. At least it is real close to where I live. Guess we�ll see how I feel in the morning.

I�ve felt numb most of the day. However, this evening, I�ve been feeling sad. I�m probably just tired and should just go to sleep. Tomorrow is another day, and perchance Phil will say something tomorrow. I�m not counting on it or holding my breath however. Good way to pass out. I hope God can help me to understand all this, so far it hasn�t ever become clear with ANYone I�ve ever liked or had any sort of relationship with. I�ve never been able to sit back and say, �Oh, so THAT is why I had to go through all the pain, now it makes sense.� I�d like that to happen just once.

Best if I just sleep instead of continuing to think and write.

Sweet Dreams�. M.

Look at that two entries in ONE day�