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July 24, 2005 - Sunday, 1:05 a.m.

Today we did birthday parties for the end of July. We did Curt�s birthday, along with my sister and her son�s. Curt turns 19 on Tuesday. Wow� my baby is 19. Unbelievable. I got up to WP by about 2:30 this afternoon. We had dinner about 7 pm and did lots of visiting. It was a nice laid back day. It rained pretty good at my parent�s house this afternoon. It really cooled things off. I loved it.

I got home about midnight. I am so happy that it is just Saturday and that I have another whole day of the weekend left to go. Nothing on my agenda for tomorrow, so would like to get some things done around the house� like laundry and cleaning. I�ll need to figure out the next book I want to read.

I very much need to get some sleep. I�ve not had enough sleep this week. I�m running on fumes.

I realized something very interesting today. I was talking to L this morning. I was feeling pretty blue. As I talked to her I started to realize that I have been cycling in and out of depression for the last few days. Normally in the past when things have gone bad I have dipped into a depression and stayed there for a day or two, feeling great despair and such sadness. I realized this morning that I have had a lot of sadness in the last few days but it hasn�t lasted long, that I�ll cycle out of it, feel hopeful for a while, even content, and then dip back down into the sadness. It feels like a much healthier way to process the emotions. Over the years I have had lots of dark, dark days� unspeakable days. Days that I was so low that I wasn�t sure I�d be able to crawl back out of them. When things didn�t work out it was bad. It wasn�t that many months ago that Cafeteria Mark gave me that really dark day. I was so depressed. This is the first time I can recall where I�ve been deeply sad, and yet I�ve bounced back out of it repeatedly for a number of days.

It�s nice, but I am tired. I am restless� and thinking a lot. Wondering what the future holds and wondering if I�ll be okay with the way it goes. Every thought about the possibilities ahead has a sunny side and a shadowed side. Things could go very well or very bad� and at this moment I�m not sure which way it�ll go, and at any given moment I could be thinking that everything looks possible and not that much later be concerned that it�s all a mess and hopeless.

Getting tired of it all� for sure am going to focus on the house tomorrow. Want to be able to walk into this place and feel relaxed� it needs to be clean for that to happen. I must� MUST� sleep.

Later�. M.