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May 29, 2005 - Sunday, 9:54 p.m.

The band was set up in front of the penny slots and in the middle of a song. I sat down on a comfortable chair that had been vacated by the last slot player. I was far to the left of the band and I out of Phil�s vision due to a large amplifier. As people moved away from machines I slid over one chair at a time until I could see the band completely. They were loud, and actually pretty good. Most of the songs I wasn�t familiar with in the first set. Within a song or two Phil noticed I was there. There was one table set up next to the slots and directly in front of the band, with a couple guys drinking beers and yelling song suggestions to the band. Eventually I found myself in a chair up against a post with all the slots around me being used. Once the first set was over and they took a break, Phil came out and gave me a hug and talked to me until the next set. The guys at the table had left once the guys took a break and I was quick to take a chair so that I wouldn�t be bumped off of by a slot player. However, the chair ended up being relatively uncomfortable by midnight. The band took three breaks and Phil visited with me during each of the breaks (for the most part), at least once some guy wanting to talk about being in a band came up and then Phil pleasantly visited with him.

As the sets went on there were more songs that I was familiar with, though most of the names of the bands didn�t trigger any memories. They played very well, and I was impressed with Phil�s ability to play. There were obviously a lot of nuances to getting the music to sound like it was �suppose� to and I could see that it was something he takes very seriously.

Despite a TON of smoke and noise, I very much enjoyed listening to the band. I can see that I really enjoy live music and it is something that I will continue to participate in. I look forward to hearing some local jazz/blues type stuff. Once they finished up they immediately began to pack up all the equipment. It took about 20 minutes to half an hour, including getting it all in their individual vehicles. They divvied up the money from the gig and most of the guys took off. Once the band began packing up the people at the slots thinned and Phil and I sat at the table and visited for a while. He�d earlier told me that the band had been given a couple rooms at the Double Eagle and that he�d ended up with one of them. After the �last call for alcohol�, he asked if I wanted to head up to the Double Eagle to continue the conversation. He wanted to get his guitars out of the truck and into someplace where he didn�t have to worry about someone breaking into his car for them. We went and got my car out of parking as I hadn�t wanted to walk to it by myself and moved it over to the Double Eagle along with his truck.

You know I don�t know what I had expected or thought was going to happen. I helped him carry in one of the three guitars and we took them to his room, where we ended up visiting until dawn. I kept thinking I should head home, because I had early morning commitments, but it was 7 am before I drove out of Cripple Creek. I had just enough time to drive home, walk in the house, take a shower, get dressed again and then drive back up to Woodland Park.

It was a very interesting evening. I found out a number of things. For one, he is definitely interested in me, but his expectations and approach are quite different from my own and I am not sure we�ll find common ground to pursue anything. Given his choice and expectations the relationship would have BEGUN with sex. However he was never stepped any farther then allowed and backed off immediately when I told him it wasn�t going to go the way he was thinking. There is no way I can recount 6 to 7 hours of talking, nor do I have much desire to give a blow by blow of the evening. At some point I asked him pointblank if he was interested in getting to know me better, and his response was basically, yes, not under my terms. From what I can tell sex has ALWAYS been a component of any serious relationship he�s ever had, but hasn�t necessarily resulted in success, and from what he had to say became a component very quickly for him, always. His actions seemed to say that he DOES want to pursue a relationship, but he wants it under his terms. He explained his point of reference and why he thinks the way he does, and he actually listened to me explain MY point of reference and why I know for me, that things need to proceed a certain way, or I get wiped out very badly (usually for years).

I felt very good about what I had to say, and felt that he could see the validity in my point of view, and could see that I understood his� we ended at an impasse for the most part, I think he really felt that I would change my mind, or perhaps he just really hoped I would. It isn�t about the sex for me, though believe me, that is a big component of relationships ultimately for me. He is actually someone that I WANT to get to know. Perhaps no one that was really interested in him ever did this, (it doesn�t sound like it). To me it is more important to figure out who he is first, I want to SEE some compatibility in personality. ::sighs:: This man has had really 4 serious relationships� a ten years marriage, followed by two five year relationships (that were live in) and the last a 3 year. To me, he really does the �marriage� thing as far as commitment goes, but just doesn�t do the actual marriage part (he�s only been married once), mostly, I feel, because to some degree those relationships were based on them liking to be together physically, but fell apart along different avenues. I guess I truly believe that if I spend some time getting to know someone and I feel the relationship merits a �let�s live together� that you should just get married, and either the marriage will make it or it will fail. However if you base the getting together on how you get along as people, the �marriage� has a far better chance of succeeding. That is how I want things to go for me when I finally do meet that �someone�. I want to spend a couple months really getting to know if I �like� them and if we enjoy each others company, (and THAT is what I�d base the �moving in together�, not whether or not the sex was good). I truly believe that the sex WILL be good if the other stuff is in alignment. And then I don�t want to do the �moving in together�, I just want to get married.

Well� believe it or not we had ALL these discussion - from what I believe in, to how I see the world, how he sees the world, to my past relationships and his, my life, his life, we talked about how sex fits in relationships, we talked about concerns about mismatched libidos� I am telling you, we talked and talked and talked.

Now, we cuddled as well, quite a bit. This man actually really likes to cuddle. I could lay with someone hugging me for� well not forever� but pretty darn close. He wrapped his arms around me and just relaxed, relaxed enough that he would have fallen asleep if he would have allowed himself to. I�d have easily fallen asleep myself if I�d let myself and I wanted very much to just go and sleep there. It was really nice; it has been forever since I have been hugged like that. Actually I don�t know that it has ever been as comfortable as it was. Usually your neck hurts or something, but it was actually comfortable and felt really, really safe. I have to say I was every bit as much attracted to him as he was to me, and it wasn�t easy to say �no� to going beyond that hug. But I did, and he accepted it and continued to hug me most of the time we talked.

When I walked out of the hotel and got into my car, I was flying. It felt fantastic to have stood by what I believe, and to have actually voiced WHY, and I know I left him thinking. I gave him a lot to think about. As much as it was physically frustrating for him he completely enjoyed my being there and told me as much. Honestly, either I am worth it to him or I�m not, and I deserve to be worth it, and I proved to myself that I am worth it. I suppose either what I said will make some impact, and he is a very smart man, I know that he heard what I was saying and I know he was processing it all, or it won�t. I think on some level he was concerned that I might be �desperate� to get married (as you know ANY woman that mentions marriage early in a relationship MUST be). However, I walked away. I am not desperate for a husband, I do want one very much, but I�d rather be alone then with the wrong person, and I told him that. As time passes my actions will show that I am precisely what I told him I am. I�m interested in HIM, not just BEING with him or just ANYone, and I want it if it is right, not just to have someone. If I�d been �desperate� to keep him, I�d have slept with him.

Who knows� all I know is I feel good and happy� I still see possibility, just not exactly like he does. I think when he sees that I am OKAY and that I am still showing interest it might make him think or irritate him. LOL� we are back at that. He is going to have to deal with me showing up for the music jams at the bars, and that I am just as happy to see him and that I am not pouting or sad. Will he even care or notice? Who know� my only push will be to continue to try to get to know him better and for him to get to know me better. Will he WANT to if I don�t just jump right into bed with him? I don�t know. But if he ends up not trying to get to know me better�. it�s his loss.