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January 26, 2004 - Monday, 1:30 pm

Sometimes I just wish that I knew that what I am doing is what I am suppose to be doing. I am thinking... why again, do I want an MBA? Is it just to make money? I know that I really don't feel the need to make lots of money to live.. but I know that I need to make lotsa money to get solvent again.... and out of debt. The last 13 years have been hard... (well even longer then that.. but 13 years alone.) And then I look at like what DanD is doing which is pioneering to Tonga... and think about how I'd like to be able to do something like that... but realizing that really you can't afford to pioneer unless you don't have any debt... cuz the life of a pioneer isn't one were lots of money is made... as a matter of fact... but America standards it would be nothing... never enough to maintain debt payments in the US... so they pretty much tell you that you need to have no debt... so I am a long ways from being able to do anything like that...

Work is driving me crazy... I have to bend rules that are already nearly unrecognizable because they are already twisted and bent so much... it's just adding more and more that has to be remembered by me and noticed by others to keep stuff correct. It's just adding and adding to stuff I have to manually keep track of. Our rules are constantly compromised....ARGH... now we have the entire system where you can say... 95% of the time this rule rules.. the other 5% of the time... it's outside of the rules or bends it, or bastardizes it somehow... and I have to remember those 5%. And when something crashes they talk about revamping the whole system... that if they just always followed the rules we wouldn't have the problem in the first place. And no matter how much we fix the system... if they always insist upon being able to violate the rules... then ANY rules can have this problem. ARGH!!!!

It's like I am being told that my life depends upon my writing ability... and then they tie my hands behind my back. I am like the responsible party for the system.. but I have no authority to make anyone follow the rules.

Argh!!