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November 27, 2011 - Sunday - 2:43 p.m.

Fighting the Inner Demons

Again, it has been forever since I last wrote. Still struggling with depression. I wonder why that is. Life it pretty darn good. I am very happy in my marriage, and yet often I feel a shadow on me. I worry about stuff that my rational mind knows it pointless... but still there I am.

I am feeling the days blurring together. I often feel the meaninglessness of my activities. I don't know what it is that I think would make me feel like I wasn't filling my time with worthless activity. I think I can set a spin on almost anything as just wasting time. It is very frustrating, and just makes the depression worse. Is it just a waste of time to play games? Probably. How about watching movies? Most likely. Reading? Most of the time. So what is worthwhile? Working? Yup. Cleaning the house and laundry and cooking? Ya. So what beyond the 'suppose to do's isn't a waste of time? Perhaps I am to find a way to be of service to someone else all the time. Is that the only thing that is worthwhile? It makes my brain hurt. Where is the perfect balance of responsibility and relaxation? I don't know that I would ever be happy with any combination I might come up with. I get worn out mentally when every moment of my life is filled with things that I should do or need to do. And yet almost anything beyond that makes me feel like somehow I am not living up to my 'potential'.

Would writing be a worthwhile activity? I don't know. I'd like it to be, but it also can make me tired.

I feel exceedingly overwhelmed.

My four day weekend is already over. I can't believe how fast it all goes by. ::sighs:: I did clean up my room really good this weekend, including the closet! I got the guys to put up the lights outside of the house. I put up the Christmas decorations. I just need my tree now.

I got nearly all the laundry done and folded. We are going over to Gio's for dinner tonight. I completely forgot that I was doing the children's class for Char and Mom's Ruhi class on Sunday nights. I asked Megan if she could do it for me tonight, and thankfully she agreed.

I have the patience of a gnat recently. I seem to be so easily irritated. Bjorn can drive me crazy, but then I just feel guilty for feeling that way. He just wants something to do, and everyone is in their own world. He is just a kid, some times life must be SO boring for him. Everyone is busy doing their own thing and there he sits. I must really be a bitch to be irritated. The other half of the time I am giving up my computer for him or watching a movie with him. But still I don't think it is enough for him.

Should a person just put aside the things that they want to do for all of their life? I am pretty sure that is what you are suppose to do when you have kids. It is only a short part of your life (in most cases). They should come first in almost everything. Right? ::sighs::

When my boys were young I was making sure they took baths or showers every night. I made them split up the computer time (cuz we could only afford to have one computer.) I was on the computer after they went to bed at night. I laid down with them when they went to bed and said prayers and sang to them. Then I gave up sleep for that quiet alone time. When there were no demands on my time. Then my kids grew up and I start to get time to do the things that I wanted to do, when there wasn't any of the stuff that I HAD to do, like go to work. Then I was back with little kids again. Granted it is only every other week, but I don't feel like the parent I was when my kids were young. ::sighs::

I just feel depressed...

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