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April 15, 2008 - Tuesday, 11:24 a.m.

Restless Days...

I am terribly restless. It's been a while since I felt this restless. I don't know if it's the weather or just life!

There is such an unsettled feeling about the economy. Prices are going up... Gasoline, food, bills in general, but wages are not. I guess gas is the most striking. Since 2000 gas prices have tripled, but wages haven't. Property values are dropping. My job is going to go away probably within the next year. I feel like I need to find something. I need to find my place in the work place. I can't find it. ::sighs:: Scott might get a job in Denver. We should hear within a week. It would be fantastic for him. Once I know WHERE his 8 month - 1 year training will be then THAT is where I'll look for work. I am very afraid of not being able to find anything, even though I know that I am VERY capable, I am not sure I can convince anyone else!!

I think perhaps I need to work in the yard. Perhaps I will leave a little early, go by Walmart and pick up some cedar and clean out my front flower bed. Perhaps that we help me to feel grounded. It's supposed to be up into the 70's by the end of the day and then rain tomorrow. It's a perfect day for this.

I need to do something that helps me feel better. I know that I am worrying Scott. It's like a low key hum of depression. I've had trouble with my stomach the last few days. I just don't feel well in the evening.

Saturday I was sitting at the Bahá'í Center visiting with some people and some one mentioned that Nancy O'Brien passed away Friday night. ::blinks:: She was like 5 years older then me. I remember first meeting her and her husband when I was about 15-16, the first year we moved here. They were a young married couple, with a brand new baby. Nancy taught children's classes at Summer Schools when my kids were little. She wasn't unhealthy. She was working on the right balance of some prescription drugs and she took too much of one of them, or in the wrong combination and it killed her. Poof! Life is over... so unexpected. As the years slip by, there is such a realization of how short our time here is. To get to that moment... to think... what have I done with my life? Was my time spent well?

It's made me think about things like that. I think to myself, perhaps playing a game isn't the best way to spend my time. But then spending my time watching movies or reading fiction, or working in the yard, or going out and visiting family and friends, is that REALLY productive use of my time? How productive does every moment have to be? Some people seem to spend so many of their moments doing productive, helpful things... some times I really feel like I lack in that department. Perhaps it is doing those things that make them feel happy and good about themselves. I know that on the one hand I do many things for the people around me. I take care of them and try to make their lives a little bit better in whatever way I can, but then also I give myself a lot of time. Sometimes I horde my moments to myself, I have such a wish to do what I WANT to do in those spare moments.

It's that feeling of dread hovering over me. I need to get rid of that. I think I need to go back to the Wellbutrin. I am spending far too much time feeling. I worry about my kids, my nieces and nephews. I worry about too much... and I feel dread. It is most oppressive.

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