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October 01, 2007 - Monday, 3:00 p.m.

Thinking... probably too much...

I had a wonderful weekend. S and I are definitely dating. I could spend every waking moment with him and then some and not get tired of being around him. We are still sorting through a lot of stuff. There is always so much to lay to rest from previous relationships. Only time will tell how that all pans out.

My current struggle doesn't really center on S, but on my own stuff. It has to do with motivation, and specifically motivation with my religious life and beyond that the reaccuring issue of passion in life. I know where my passion in life should lie, and that is in my religious life, but it isn't there. Spirituality is important I do feel that. But I continue to struggle with what I believe. Is it coming from my own heart or it it simply springing from a sense of duty? My heart isn't engaged like it should be. I think I have said this before, but I can see that happened for L. It was an enlightenment from inside herself. She is very personally connected to it.

I just don't have that. It seems most of what I have done in my life is to some extent motivated by fear and obligation. Fear of what people might think, fear that bad things will happen if I don't do everything perfect, fear of disappointing people... Fear. ::sighs:: I am tired of being afraid of everything. I am tired of being motivated by fear. I need to be motivated by love. I need some time to figure it out. I want to feel a 'passion' about what I do.

I am sure I am going to disappoint some people with this attitude. But I need to figure out exactly what I believe, and where I stand. How do I brooch this with my family without them freaking out? I don't want to feel dread at doing things. I want to WANT to do it.

This IPG thing that is coming up for our cluster, I am dreading the activities. I feel obligated to attend, but I don't want to do the activities surrounding it. I want to step back and evaluate stuff on my own for a while. Leave me to read and think some. ::sighs:: I can't imagine that this will be well received, but I feel a need to go this direction for myself. It's away. ::sighs::

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