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July 10, 2007 - Tuesday, 11:19 p.m.
Summer Time...Well, Iím over the hurdle. Iíve done the grocery shopping and the food is all stored. I am here and in my room. Now, I just need to do the cooking. Getting ready, doing the shoppingÖ that is the hard partÖ so I am glad to be to this day.
My house was a disaster when I left today. I so wish it would stay clean. Too many people around, and too few picking up after themselves. I tasked the boys with doing ALL the laundry before I get home on Sunday. It would be nice to have it done. It would even be better if it could STAY that way.
Iím in such a funny mood. Seems itís been lingering there for a while. I think I must need some space of some sort. Itís like I want to finally figure out just who I am and what I think. It seems so much of my life I have done what people expected of me, or more particularly what I thought they expected of me. Like I havenít really made decisions based on what I think. Sometimes I donít even know what I think or believe. I need to figure it out.
I have things that I want to do and I just am going to do them. I am tired of worrying about what everyone thinks. It isnít like I can control what they think anyway. Right now I want to focus on some other things in my life.
Two weekends ago, I crashed on S*ís couch the night before we were going to go to the Ren Faire. Believe it or not, I didnít even call my kids. I just did it. I didnít talk to them until the middle of the afternoon the next day. Iíve never done that before. I have never just made a decision and done it without calling or saying something to someone. Itís interesting to me that I would take me letting go of my boys and their choices for me to realize this. Itís funny. I strongly feel that my boys need to find their way in life, and that it shouldnít be dependent upon what I think or believe. Theyíll never find their own way if they just do things to make me happy. What a revelation!! I have done so much in my life to make someone else happy or comfortable that Iíve never really figured out what I think or what I like. Perhaps that is why Iíve never really found my Ďpassioní in life. I donít know what it is going to take, but I am feeling pretty good about the direction I am moving. I like hanging out with S*, and really I donít want to dwell on what everyone else thinks. I need to live by what I think feels right to me.
Baronís War coming up. I am going to enjoy that. It is different then stuff Iíve ever done, but so far the people Iíve met I like.
Itís getting lateÖ time for bed.
Sweet dreams. M.
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