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July 03, 2007 - Tuesday, 2:49 a.m.

It's too hot to sleep...

It's hot here tonight. No central air and its still 70 degrees outside. I have the fan going, but it isn't very cool yet. I was really tired tonight, and fell asleep about 10:30 pm. But the heat woke me up about 12:30 am and it still isnít cooling off much.

I should never wake up in the middle of the night and think. But here I am thinking. Itís a bad night, or perhaps just another bout with my insecurities. I donít want to feel like I am just some you hang out with to fill the time, and that if a better offer comes around people will take off on you. I want to be with someone that wants to be with me even if we are just doing stupid stuff, like working in the yard. I know, I know. Iíve had this conversation before. There are levels of relationships. First level is where you do stuff with someone because you are all standing in the same place so by default you are doing things together. Then there is the level where you hang out with a person you know because you want to do something, but you donít want to do it alone. So as long as the activity is something you want to do youíll hang out with them. Eventually you get to a place where you want to be around someone so you do what ever they want to do, just so you can do stuff together. Granted you are a fool if the ONLY reason you do stuff with someone is because you want to do something with them. It has to be a two way street, they have to do that some of the time too. Because in the long run if you donít enjoy most of the activities you do together then youíll fade out of the relationship.

I am working to develop relationships with people that I have common interests with so that for the most part whatever the activity is, itíll be something that I want to do. I need to just make my plans and be done with it.

You know, I guess I am usually the person that makes the plans in most of my relationships. I donít have a lot of people who calling me and say, ďHey letís go out and eat, or letís go to a movieĒ. Instead I call them and set up something. It would be nice to have someone call me up and say. Hey, what are you doing Tuesday? Want to go do something? However, when it is me doing it, I can just not set things up and hold my time to do what I want at the drop of a dime. However, then it seems to end up as a ďwhy donít you do stuff with me?Ē kind of thing. I donít want to do that either. ::sighs::

S* is different from most of the guys Iíve had interest in. He is much more Ďthis is who I am, like it or not, itís your choice.Ē He is very outgoing, people remember him and he seems to have a lot of people that talk to him and many people he makes a point to go talk to, but he seems to not hang out with very many of them. I am happy to be among those few that he does hang out with. I like to do a huge slice of what he likes to do, and some of the things that I am lukewarm about, I enjoy doing because we are together. (Mostly it is some of the TV watching Ė not all shows that Iíd pick on my own, but interesting anyway, and like I said, I like being around him.) We do enjoy the same movies, reading likes are similar, music likes are similar (though I think he steps a little closer to liking harder stuff then me), he has artistic things that he likes to do, they are different from my artistic things, but still they are a part of who he is, just like that artistic part is a big piece of me. I love that he throws himself into the things that he does enjoy. That enthusiasm is wonderful. I donít have a passion for very many activitiesÖ but I do have people that Iíd prefer to do things with, and they are the people that are in my life, my family and my small circle of friends. S* is within that small circle.

I think I am cool enough to sleep now... GAH.. it's almost 3 am...

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