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June 12, 2007 - Tuesday, 11:12 p.m.
Rainy Nights and Tuesdays...There has been an almost steady rain since this afternoon. Itís still raining and itís cool. Itís very peaceful. June is already half over. This year is slipping by very quickly. Itís been really nice to have someone to do things with, even though I donít imagine weíll ever go beyond friendship. Iím sure somewhere down the road I just wonít be what heís looking for, so for now I am just trying to enjoy having something to do and enjoying the company.
No fighter practice tonight. Too much rain, but Iíd already bought dinner by the time S* called so, I brought the sandwiches over to his house and watch TV for a while with him.
He is really a nice guy. It seems that his experience tells him that women always eventually cheat, and my experience tells me that men usually tire of me and move on. Not exactly a match made in heaven, or anywhere else for that matter. Heís been pretty up front that he doesnít want a Ďrelationshipí at this point. That he is trying to get his life to an even keel, steady and settled. Really, that is exactly what he should be doing. I just try to keep focused on having no expectations. Today is what there is, this moment and beyond that there is nothing. Itís been kinda nice to think that maybe there could be someone in my life. Fun to think about what that might be like. But, I guess some where in the end they all seem to come to realize that there isnít anything interesting here with me. Nice doesnít seem to buy a lot, but that is what there is with me. As much as Camille mentioned that he is Ďlonelyí I think I have him beat in spades. I have to be real careful to not overstay my welcome, show up too often or stay too long. My life is winding down in some ways. The kids are grown up and donít need a ĎMomí any more really. My friends and familyís life are pretty busy and full. Itís been kinda nice to pretend things might be differentÖ but itís not too likely. Iíve pondered the idea of having someone be happy to see me, of someone wanting to spend time with me, of being hugged and loved. GAH!! I have to stop thinking about that. RememberÖ no expectationsÖ if you expect nothing you canít be disappointed. Remember that!
I need to just focus on the things that I can do here. I have yard work to do, and painting in the house. Hopefully, Philip and Terry will get the outside of the house finished this weekend. I think Iíll try to buy a lawn mower here in the next week or so. So much to do in the yard; I think Iíd better get focused on getting the stuff done. I keep thinking, oh Iíll get the boys to help me with this or that. But I think I am just going to need to take some ibuprofen and get a shovel and wheel barrel and take care of it myself.
I feel the Ďempty nestí syndrome coming up on me. It is a strange place to be looking. Before I know it, itíll be me, myself and I. Wow. Iím trying to focus on the things that will be nice about it. Itíll be clean and there will be spaceÖ but it will be very quiet. I can pretty much go in any direction at this point in my life. I donít know if I like that or not.
I made this long list for Curtis today, filling the next four days with work for him, as I imagine Iíll come up with the money to pay his fine on Friday. However, miraculously he came up with a job thatíll fill the next four days. SoÖ so much for that idea.
Focus on my jobÖ focusÖ ::sighs:: I am tired of focusing. Iím tired of trying to do everything exactly right, like I have to do it perfect. In so many ways I am just tiredÖ
I think I am terrified to feel hopefulÖ Iím sad tonightÖ I think maybe I let myself start feeling hopefulÖ slap down that feeling QUICK.
I think I am just going to go to bedÖ
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