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June 12, 2007 - Tuesday, 11:12 p.m.
Rainy Nights and Tuesdays...There has been an almost steady rain since this afternoon. It�s still raining and it�s cool. It�s very peaceful. June is already half over. This year is slipping by very quickly. It�s been really nice to have someone to do things with, even though I don�t imagine we�ll ever go beyond friendship. I�m sure somewhere down the road I just won�t be what he�s looking for, so for now I am just trying to enjoy having something to do and enjoying the company.
No fighter practice tonight. Too much rain, but I�d already bought dinner by the time S* called so, I brought the sandwiches over to his house and watch TV for a while with him.
He is really a nice guy. It seems that his experience tells him that women always eventually cheat, and my experience tells me that men usually tire of me and move on. Not exactly a match made in heaven, or anywhere else for that matter. He�s been pretty up front that he doesn�t want a �relationship� at this point. That he is trying to get his life to an even keel, steady and settled. Really, that is exactly what he should be doing. I just try to keep focused on having no expectations. Today is what there is, this moment and beyond that there is nothing. It�s been kinda nice to think that maybe there could be someone in my life. Fun to think about what that might be like. But, I guess some where in the end they all seem to come to realize that there isn�t anything interesting here with me. Nice doesn�t seem to buy a lot, but that is what there is with me. As much as Camille mentioned that he is �lonely� I think I have him beat in spades. I have to be real careful to not overstay my welcome, show up too often or stay too long. My life is winding down in some ways. The kids are grown up and don�t need a �Mom� any more really. My friends and family�s life are pretty busy and full. It�s been kinda nice to pretend things might be different� but it�s not too likely. I�ve pondered the idea of having someone be happy to see me, of someone wanting to spend time with me, of being hugged and loved. GAH!! I have to stop thinking about that. Remember� no expectations� if you expect nothing you can�t be disappointed. Remember that!
I need to just focus on the things that I can do here. I have yard work to do, and painting in the house. Hopefully, Philip and Terry will get the outside of the house finished this weekend. I think I�ll try to buy a lawn mower here in the next week or so. So much to do in the yard; I think I�d better get focused on getting the stuff done. I keep thinking, oh I�ll get the boys to help me with this or that. But I think I am just going to need to take some ibuprofen and get a shovel and wheel barrel and take care of it myself.
I feel the �empty nest� syndrome coming up on me. It is a strange place to be looking. Before I know it, it�ll be me, myself and I. Wow. I�m trying to focus on the things that will be nice about it. It�ll be clean and there will be space� but it will be very quiet. I can pretty much go in any direction at this point in my life. I don�t know if I like that or not.
I made this long list for Curtis today, filling the next four days with work for him, as I imagine I�ll come up with the money to pay his fine on Friday. However, miraculously he came up with a job that�ll fill the next four days. So� so much for that idea.
Focus on my job� focus� ::sighs:: I am tired of focusing. I�m tired of trying to do everything exactly right, like I have to do it perfect. In so many ways I am just tired�
I think I am terrified to feel hopeful� I�m sad tonight� I think maybe I let myself start feeling hopeful� slap down that feeling QUICK.
I think I am just going to go to bed�
Night. M.
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