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November 27, 2006 - Monday, 6:35 p.m.

It's dark...

It's dark. It's as though I am sitting on the edge of a cliff overlooking something. It's so dark that I can't see the horizon, I can't see if it is a rocky coast line with the waves crashing on sharp rocks or a gently rolling meadow laid out at my feet. I can't even see my hand in front of my face. There are no stars, no moon. Not even the twinkle of a distant light. There is nothing, but the darkness. I know there are paths before me; my feet can feel the hardness of the dirt. I know there are at least a couple paths there and they are both steep and rocky. One meanders up and beyond, to where I don't know. The other plummets down, and if I'm not careful I am going to stumble headlong onto that path.

It seems I spend a great deal of time pretending like everything is just fine. I suppose it might be obvious to everyone that my life is spiraling out of control, but most of the time I just shut my mind to it, and imagine that everyone, including me, thinks everything is fine. The truth is that most people don't want to see that anyone is not doing well, so they help with the fantasy that life is just slipping by at a comfortable pace and all is fine. Everyday I get closer to knowing that I'm going to have to do something about it all. The procrastination in finding a second job is moving close to being over. I have some commitments this weekend, and then another weekend, then Winter School. Once that is over, I have to be working a second job. I really should be working one right now. I am pretty sure things are going to get worse long before they get better, and I can't see it getting better in the foreseeable future.

The phone is shut off. It is probably only a matter of a day before the internet is gone as well. I'm three months behind on the land-line. Too much is intersecting this week. I don't have any money. I won't be able to pay the phone bill. Justin paid the utilities; Philip paid the cell phone bill. I am loath to ask Justin to pay the land-line phone bill. I can't imagine where I am going to get the money for my student loan payments due this month, this week actually. I am only able to pay the house payments and the consumer credit bill. After that there really isn't anything left. Those three bills plus the auto-pays against my monthly take home only leaves me about $100, and my monthly BP meds are about $70. As you can see there is no money for gas or food or any other bills. If I was living alone I'd let it all go. The house phone, the internet, I'd have to. It's insane. All I can do is keep thinking about this. It's overwhelming me today. I must find an additional job. I have to fix the car, hopefully this week. Then I am going to look for something evenings, perhaps like 5-10pm. I've figured out that I need to find something that'll pay like about $12/hour and about 35 hours a week, to have a prayer of even getting close to being able to pay stuff. That'll put me close to 80 hours a week. The option is to lose the house, and I'm not sure that would even make it enough better. GAH!!!

My head hurts. I just got home from work. I didn't eat good today. I should make something for dinner, but I'll probably crawl into bed and read the end of my book. Escape... it's sweet. Though no matter how much 'escaping' I do, I'm still here. Life never turns out like any good books. Life mostly turns out like bad books. Still, I love the books where somehow love finds the people and they can go on together to face whatever there is to face. I truly can't see my life going that way, but it still draws me in and I end up loving the books.

I was sitting in line at Sonic yesterday. I stopped to get some ice. As I sat in the car there was a couple standing between their cars kissing and hugging for quite a long time. I thought they were young, but as they stepped apart and got into their own cars I saw that they weren't that young. Some how I just can't imagine feeling like that again. I can't imagine being hugged or kissed. As I sat there I couldn't even feel it in my heart, I just glanced over a couple times and thought it was sweet, but it didn't seem real.

I'm just making my headache worse... I am going to lay down.


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