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October 12, 2006 - Thursday, 11:45 p.m.

Sick of being tired...

Itís already half way through October. Itís been grey and misty in the mornings, a thin layer of snow atop the Peak when you can see it. Itís funny how it seems some of trees just donít seem to know it is autumn, and others are already grey fingers reaching for the sun. Autumn has hit us early, and looks like it might be a wet winter.

I got sick last week. It actually came up on me and put me down in less then 12 hours. I went to bed fine and by noon the next day I was running a fever of 102.4 and had a sore throat so bad that I could hardly swallow. I made a quick Drís appointment that afternoon and she told me to go home and go to bed, and not to return to work until my fever had been gone for 24 hours. So that ruled out Friday for work. My strep test was negative and she gave me something for pain and told me to let the fever run if it stayed below 102. She gave me an antibiotic to fill on Monday if I still wasnít feeling better. I slept the rest of Thursday and all day Friday, and during the middle of Friday my temp hit at least 103 and then I took something for that. By Sunday I was no better (other then the fever had dropped) so I filled the prescription and over the last 4 days Iíve been getting better. The sore throat is almost gone, but not quite.

My stomach shrunk while I was sick, as I couldnít eat much and drank very little as well. I lost 5.6 lbs this week, for 8.8 lbs so far. So that was a good week. I am still having trouble eating much and I am trying to keep that in place. Plus I think Iíve had a little bit of an upset stomach since I was sick. Today I felt terrible after dinner and ended up losing about Ĺ of what I ate, but I feel much better now.

I hope I am able to keep up on eating the lesser amount. I know that drinking less helps me eat less, so weíll see.

Today was a bad day. They messed up my check and over paid me a weekís salary. I couldnít pretend it was nothing and took myself down to HR when I figured it out. They wanted to reverse my auto deposit and issue me a check. I said that wouldnít work as tomorrow all the money gets pulled to pay the 1st and 2nd mortgages and I couldnít not have the money there and available. She said I could write them a check and then she figured out the amount I should pay her back (and she is wrong), sheíd already left for the day, so Iíll have to fix it tomorrow. I can not tell you the flood of relief I felt this morning when I checked my checking account online and that money was there. It was like I hadnít been breathing for a very long time and suddenly I did and it was a deep breath. I knew it was more then it should be, but I was just hoping somehow just this one time there could be a good reason for it. I even thought for a few moments that some how Iíd figured out my raise wrong and it was going to be enough money to pay everything, every month. It felt wonderful until about a Ĺ hour before lunch when I noticed the mistake, and once I talked to them I knew it had been too good to be true. Just like I thought in reality I am about $700 short. And OF COURSE, it is about the amount I have to pay them back. I could get an advance of $500 on my next paycheck, but then Iíll be short for THOSE payments. There just isnít enough money. There are things I am not even paying!! The consumer credit thing is going good, but my monthly on that is approaching $1000. I just canít get a positive number no matter how I slice up the payments. I realized as I sat at dinner with Camille that I am going to have to get a second job, and I thought about applying at Texas Roadhouse where we were sitting and I just felt the dread, my free time slipping through my fingers. It totally sucked. Even this afternoon I thought Iíd better stop by Chiliís on my way home and fill out an application. Iím old, they can put me in the bar or something. But I went to the movies with Megan and Maleah (we saw ďOpen SeasonĒ, cute movie) and it just didnít work to try to do that with both of them. Tomorrow Iíll dress up a little for work and then stop by there on my way home from work.

I did apply for a position I saw on Monster today. The description sounded a lot like something I could do. It is for a Project Manager in Englewood. I could make that commute, especially if the money was right. The first 3 to 6 months on the job is about 50% travel and then it drops to about 20%, which would work for me. As long as I can stay living here Iíll be thrilled. I just can bear to think about having to try to maintain two households. I want very badly to be able to stop leaning on my kids for money. They totally should not have to think about that!

My youngest sister just got a promotion and big raise at her current job, made my promotion look like chopped liver. She got a $10,000 a year raise to her base pay, but the BIG raise was the commission change from Ĺ% to 5%. That is 10 fold!! That would be so awesome, sheís already taking home about 2 times what I do in a year and that was before this. I am so proud of her. She has done so well for herself, and she is totally worth every penny they pay her. It is just hard to know that I am sitting here drowning, gasping for air with about a 100 lb weight on my chest, and I canít imagine ever being even close to that kind of income in my life. I just want enough to not have to worry every single day. But it just isnít happening with my main job. What I know works is to just work more. If forty hours wonít do it, maybe sixty will. The opportunity to work overtime at my present job is gone, so it needs to be a second job. The only thing worth the time is work with tips, so that is where Iíll need to look.

I remember all the years that my kids were growing up and I was trying to figure out how to make it. I wished desperately that I could work two forty hour a week jobs. I knew I needed to be a two income family, but being only one person I needed to figure out a way to do the work of two people. It never worked, though I did try it. I made it about almost three weeks before I quit the second full time job and slipped back to pizza delivery. I have to make this one manageable, perhaps one night a week, and the weekend. It exhausts me to just think about it. I have held off this decision as long as I could, but I need to do something before I crash and burn. I keep hoping itíll get better, but it just seems to look bleaker each week. I think the consumer credit thing is definitely the way to go, but I am going to struggle with coming up with that money every month.

Iím exhausted and depressed.

Sleep is probably my best plan.

Sweet dreams. M.

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