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September 22, 2006 - Friday, 3:00 p.m.

Life, so they say...

At the moment of your birth a series of events are put into motion that will
ultimately lead you to death. Our lives are the sum of the moments between
those two events.

This week at work, one of the men that I have worked with since I started
here 19 years ago has been diagnosed with Bone Marrow Leukemia. I think he
is just over 60 years old. He has always reminded me of a 'mad professor'.
He loves to have his hands on the work. You most often find him in the lab
somewhere working on something. He is always in early in the morning, comes
in most Saturdays and takes very little time off. He has an amazing ability
to translate the work processes he defines into a document that some one
else can follow. For a number of years now he's been obsessed with foods
what to eat and what not to eat. He is always collecting articles on health
related issues and sharing them with us. Ironically, the article I have
hanging on my file cabinet that he gave me within the last year is titled
"How to Live to Be 100 (and not regret it)".

Why is it that it seems that the people who obsess the most about their
health and what they eat seem to come down with the very diseases that they
seem to have been trying to avoid? He only went into the hospital the week
because his wife finally said he'd better go or ELSE. I am sure he wanted
to believe that it was something that would just pass. Don't we all?

He is endeared to most of the people that he works with, and many have
dropped by to sign a card for him. This man loved to be at work, and to be
doing things. I sit very close to the manager of my department. I heard
him talking about getting a laptop out to him in the hospital. I am sure
having SOMETHING to do, and feeling like he is still contributing is going
to be very important to him. I was glad to hear the discussion and know
that my manager realizes how this is something he CAN do that will be

This week has felt very out of control. My life feels like it is spinning
away from my center and I don't know what to do about it. For the first
time since I got divorced I am seriously concerned about my finance in a
sense that I truly feel powerless and it is very unnerving. All the avenues
of relief feel exhausted. I can't see what next month looks like. The
number says there isn't going to be enough, even if I work over time (and
really about 5 hours a week is all I can do without someone blowing a gasket
here). Though that is a nice boost, it doesn't look to be enough. I feel
awful leaning on my boys, but I don't know what else to do? There isn't
anyone else. I won't lean on my parents or my two youngest sisters.
Camille and I are both swimming in shark infested waters and if she had it I
know she'd give it to me, but I know she is flailing just trying to get her
own stuff done. I know I can't pay anyone back, perhaps ever, though I
could make a note in my will to bequeath them whatever I borrow, but that
isn't practical. My boys won't ever ask for the money back, and yet they
know if I ever had any surplus it would be theirs, so I have to be content
with that scenario for now.

Even if I wanted to sell my house (which I don't want to do) I am afraid it
would sell for less then I owe on it. I have cracks to fix and though I
work on my yard a lot, it doesn't look very good at all. It has potential
and I know it WILL look nice one day, when I have the money and the time to
fix it up. So, somehow I have to make it all work. Plus, I like my house
and where I am.

I joined Weight Watchers with a couple of my sisters and my niece. Also
Philip and Curtis are going to do the program with me, though not attend the
meetings. Looks like I should try to lose about sixty pounds. That sounds
like a lot (and it is), but I need to do it. This is one of the most real
programs out there. It addresses real life pretty well. We'll see how that

No information back from the doctor on my hospital procedure on the 1st.
They were still waiting for test results as of yesterday. I am hoping to
hear back from them today or Monday on this. I'd like to know where we
proceed from here.

It's Friday!! Halleluiah!! I am very much looking forward to spending time
in the yard this weekend. I have a morning meeting on Sunday in Denver, and
a girl's movie night on Saturday evening. I hope I can get enough done
during the day that I am content to leave and enjoy some food and a movie.
We'll see. I'll need to get into bed at a decent time tonight so I can get
up early in the morning and get started.

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