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December 19, 2005 - Monday, 5:39 p.m.

Justin's 23rd Birthday...

I'm still at work, and should probably be leaving soon. I saw Phil walk by my cube today. I was talking to someone, but he didn't slow down, or appear to look this direction. I just barely caught sight of him. I can only guess that he perhaps was thinking about stopping by if no one was here, but as it is not exactly the way he'd walk, or goes anywhere that makes sense, it doesnít seem likely that he was just passing by. Who knows?

Not really hearing anything from Tim. I wrote him a quick email on Friday, but as usual he didn't write back, he usually doesn't. Though I know he reads his email, because I have seen him doing it before. It just makes me think more and more that he probably has a girlfriend some place, and hopes to dissuade me by not responding. That was probably all silly anyway.

Working to see what my life is going to look like for the remaining years. School was a good distraction from thinking about my purpose, but now I have to think about making the rest of my years productive some how. It is part of the reason for working late hours. If I work a long time and am tired when I get home, I don't have time to think about Phil or Tim, or anyone showing up in my life. It is becoming easier and easier to just remain here at work. Thank goodness I am so incredibly busy here. It is strange to walk out in the dark to a nearly empty parking lot. I don't always get in very early so I am usually parked a long ways away. I'm still staying up late.

I think my Mom and Dad are worried about my health. I know that they know they didn't have nearly as many issues at 45 as I do. My dad is hoping I'll look into nutrition some; he talked about that when I was up last night. I know I need to be eating more protein, but really I am eating very little currently, nothing today but some sunflower seeds and a few little Heath bar pieces. I'm not drinking as much either. I need to try to work at that. I seem to be pissing away my personal training sessions as well. I missed two sessions last week that I won't get back, as I didn't call to cancel. I think I had one tonight too.... they are all over by January 19th anyway. I am so NOT motivated to exercise. Hoping that if I am eating so little that perhaps I'll lose some more weight. Not seeing much of that however.

Itís so quiet here at my desk. Itís like there isnít anyone else in this area of the building. I know itís dark outside and probably cold. We are going out to dinner tonight. Today is Justinís 23rd birthday. Twenty-three years ago today my first baby boy was born. In some ways it seems like yesterday, and in others like it was a lifetime ago. In 2006 all my boys will be in their twenties!! Gah!! The teen years will be officially over in July. Unbelievable. Where did the time go? I am close to the age my mother was when Justin was born. I think I am going to be seventy before I know it!

Time to head out to the restaurant I think.

LaterÖ M.

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