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December 10, 2005 - Saturday, 2:54 a.m.

It's late...

Itís lateÖ nearly 2 am. I finished watching the fourth season of ďEnterpriseĒ. I wish the series hadnít ended yet. There were still so many stories left to tell. I canít believe that my favorite character died in the last episode. ::sighs:: And I wanted TíPol and Tucker to have married. They should have ended it with that. ::sighs:: It made me cry.

This has been a long, hard week. Work Ö work was very taxing. As soon as I walked out the building tonightÖ at nearly 6 pm, finishing a 47 hour week I immediately got a headache. It lingered most of the evening. I came home and lay down on the bed and watched the last few episodes of Enterprise. I know I have so very many things to do before Monday night, but I couldnít bring myself to do anything. I feel so wiped out. My mind spent too much time on work and puzzles this week. This project was a puzzle, or at least like one. I designed a package that will take the signals from a package with 280 balls to a package with 217 balls. Itís a project that takes one computer chip and shifts it to function like another chip that hasnít come out of fabrication yet. Itís to go to the customer as a prototype before the other one is available. I hope the company that will tool it up, wonít have any problems with what I designed. It was routed in 5 layers. I spent most of the week mentally keeping track of something in multiple dimensions. It is hard to explain these types of projects without the lingo that most people wouldnít understand. I like doing them actually, but I really felt under the gun for this one.

I have so much more to do. ::sighs:: I should have written that last short paper tonight. I guess Iíll do that in the morning, and then Iíll need to move right into the 7 page one. Iíve gotten the take home test for the online class. It doesnít look too bad, but Iíll have to think about it a little, though I donít plan to do that until next week sometime. I have the questions for my final on Monday. I have 11 questions to look up the answers to, so I can get in my mind what Iíll need to answer the 5 questions the instructor is going to pick for us to do on Monday evening.

The temperature finally came up a little today. It hovered around freezing most of the day, though it was sunny and didnít feel too cold when I walked over to get a sandwich for lunch.

I feel sad tonight. I know itís because of what I was watching on TV, but I imagine that I needed to cry some. I still have a headache. ::sighs::

I know Iíll get every thing done by Monday at 7 pmÖ but still it feels a little overwhelming. Iíd really like to just relax. I guess Iíll have plenty of time for that NEXT weekend. Iíve a month to try to relax. The personal trainer called me from 24 hour Fitness. Iíve 10 sessions left and I guess they expire on January 19th. Somehow I thought it was for a yearÖ not 6 months. SOOOooo.. itíll be back to the gym next week. I guess Iíll try to get back to going 5 days a week. I canít believe I havenít done ANYTHING for over two months. I guess I am not very dedicated.

I threw away the end of the candle that Phil gave me. It had burned all it was going to. Sadly enough, I was successful. Iíve let it all slip away. Iíve decided that he was right, and he wouldnít have made me happy in the long run. He probably wonít take control of his destiny. It makes me sad to think that. I have something I bought for him. It isnít anything big. I guess I thought that maybe Iíd give it to him for Christmas, but have decided to wrap it and give it to him on his birthday at the end of January. Iíll just drop it at his desk early in the morning of his birthday, which is a Friday. He wonít be around, which is how I want it to be.

Itís been a few weeks since he last dropped by. He brought me back my books. That was the last time I really saw him. I guess heís completed his link to me. I still have his books, though Iíll probably finish them over the next month while I am out of school. It is kind of sad to realize that he really hasnít missed me at all. I must be pretty easy for a person to put behind them. Itís happened a few times before.

Iím still trying to figure out what the next forty years are going to look like. Probably a lot like this week, though in just a few years I suppose the boys will be out in the world. That is exactly where I want them to be. I wonder if Iíll just stay at the place I work until I get old or they shut the doors. I sure hope I come across something that is going to pay better then what I have now, or Iíll be working a couple jobs after I graduate. I suppose that would be okay. Especially if I can find a second something that I really enjoy.

I really did enjoy driving for Dominoís Pizza. That company has been in my life a number of years, since I was 18 actually. I lost my first boyfriend in that company (to another woman, unfortunately). Itís were I met my husband. It paid for two of my boyís births. It gave me a second income for a number of years after I was divorced. It gave me great familiarity with most of this town. It made me a better driver. And still, after dozens of free pizzas, itís still my favorite pizza. I still order from them. Soon itíll be 30 years Iíve been eating their pizza. Unbelievable!!

The years I did that, when the boys were younger, were nice in some ways. I liked driving around, listening to the radio and looking at peopleís yards. I saw so many really nice houses, and got to drive in areas of town that Iíd have never seen any other way. I really didnít realize there were as many gated communities here as there are. It was very different from my regular job, so it wasnít so bad. I could do that again, (working two jobs), as long as they were really different from each other.

Youíd think my house would be quite at 2:30 am. But NOÖ Curtis and Philip are still awake. And now Curtis is in here sitting next to me, reading over my shoulder and torturing the cat. WellÖ not really torturing him, but petting him when heíd rather not be. AhÖ Stormy is resting again, and Curtis has gone back to doing whatever he was doing.

Why, oh why am I still awake? I feel stressed outÖ and tired. Sleeping would be best for me, but here I sit. I canít believe I had a massage last Friday. Every muscle in my neck, shoulders and back hurt. I know it is stressÖ hours sitting at my PC working. Thursday I sat there for almost 12 hours working on that project. Gah! Oh how I wish I could afford to get a massage every Friday. Iíd really love just once to be able to just fall asleep after my massage rather then getting up, getting dressed and driving home. I am so relaxed at the end that sleeping is exactly what I want to do, but by the time I get home the feeling has passed.

::sighs:: My house is cracking again. I have a crack that has developed in the ceiling in my bedroom. Itís not big, but just 2 years ago I spent $10K to fix things. Itís definitely helped, but I hoped it wouldnít move againÖ at all. Iím not going to think about that. Is it a wonder that I am thinking about a new jobÖ new career? I have to be able to take care of all these things on my own. Fortunately I know that I am perfectly capable of holding it all together and accomplishing whatever it is that I need to accomplish. But some days it all really makes me tired to think about.

Iím really wishing to escape into some fictitious world. Iíve been thinking again about writing. Wish something brilliant would come to mind and I would just sit down and write it, but it isnít. Reading books helps, I love the worlds that are conjured up there. I like the ďStar TrekĒ world. Itís a pretty utopian look at the future. I like to think that itíll some how work that way.

Iíll probably go back now and watch the 7 years of ďVoyagerĒ againÖ in my world ďStar TrekĒ plays almost every night. I stay up far too long watching it, but I continue to do it every night.

As you can see my mind is hopping all over the place. Iím fatigued, but awake. I need to take something again for this headache. Iíve taken Aleve and some Ibuprofen stuff, looking for Tylenol PM now. My word I down a lot of pain meds, just over the counter stuff, because I never really complain and demand anything from my doctor. I sleep on a heating pad as well.

Itís nearly 3 am now. I need to try to go to sleep. The sadness hasnít passed yet, but perhaps sleeping will help.

Iíve rambled on and on tonight. Probably no one will make it to this point reading, but thanks for listening anyway. Sometimes it really feels nice to just reach out, even if no one reaches back, even if I was the only one who ever read all of this stuff, it still helps.

Sweet dreams. M.

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