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December 10, 2005 - Saturday, 2:54 a.m.

This has been a long, hard week. Work � work was very taxing. As soon as I walked out the building tonight� at nearly 6 pm, finishing a 47 hour week I immediately got a headache. It lingered most of the evening. I came home and lay down on the bed and watched the last few episodes of Enterprise. I know I have so very many things to do before Monday night, but I couldn�t bring myself to do anything. I feel so wiped out. My mind spent too much time on work and puzzles this week. This project was a puzzle, or at least like one. I designed a package that will take the signals from a package with 280 balls to a package with 217 balls. It�s a project that takes one computer chip and shifts it to function like another chip that hasn�t come out of fabrication yet. It�s to go to the customer as a prototype before the other one is available. I hope the company that will tool it up, won�t have any problems with what I designed. It was routed in 5 layers. I spent most of the week mentally keeping track of something in multiple dimensions. It is hard to explain these types of projects without the lingo that most people wouldn�t understand. I like doing them actually, but I really felt under the gun for this one.

I have so much more to do. ::sighs:: I should have written that last short paper tonight. I guess I�ll do that in the morning, and then I�ll need to move right into the 7 page one. I�ve gotten the take home test for the online class. It doesn�t look too bad, but I�ll have to think about it a little, though I don�t plan to do that until next week sometime. I have the questions for my final on Monday. I have 11 questions to look up the answers to, so I can get in my mind what I�ll need to answer the 5 questions the instructor is going to pick for us to do on Monday evening.

The temperature finally came up a little today. It hovered around freezing most of the day, though it was sunny and didn�t feel too cold when I walked over to get a sandwich for lunch.

I feel sad tonight. I know it�s because of what I was watching on TV, but I imagine that I needed to cry some. I still have a headache. ::sighs::

I know I�ll get every thing done by Monday at 7 pm� but still it feels a little overwhelming. I�d really like to just relax. I guess I�ll have plenty of time for that NEXT weekend. I�ve a month to try to relax. The personal trainer called me from 24 hour Fitness. I�ve 10 sessions left and I guess they expire on January 19th. Somehow I thought it was for a year� not 6 months. SOOOooo.. it�ll be back to the gym next week. I guess I�ll try to get back to going 5 days a week. I can�t believe I haven�t done ANYTHING for over two months. I guess I am not very dedicated.

I threw away the end of the candle that Phil gave me. It had burned all it was going to. Sadly enough, I was successful. I�ve let it all slip away. I�ve decided that he was right, and he wouldn�t have made me happy in the long run. He probably won�t take control of his destiny. It makes me sad to think that. I have something I bought for him. It isn�t anything big. I guess I thought that maybe I�d give it to him for Christmas, but have decided to wrap it and give it to him on his birthday at the end of January. I�ll just drop it at his desk early in the morning of his birthday, which is a Friday. He won�t be around, which is how I want it to be.

It�s been a few weeks since he last dropped by. He brought me back my books. That was the last time I really saw him. I guess he�s completed his link to me. I still have his books, though I�ll probably finish them over the next month while I am out of school. It is kind of sad to realize that he really hasn�t missed me at all. I must be pretty easy for a person to put behind them. It�s happened a few times before.

I�m still trying to figure out what the next forty years are going to look like. Probably a lot like this week, though in just a few years I suppose the boys will be out in the world. That is exactly where I want them to be. I wonder if I�ll just stay at the place I work until I get old or they shut the doors. I sure hope I come across something that is going to pay better then what I have now, or I�ll be working a couple jobs after I graduate. I suppose that would be okay. Especially if I can find a second something that I really enjoy.

I really did enjoy driving for Domino�s Pizza. That company has been in my life a number of years, since I was 18 actually. I lost my first boyfriend in that company (to another woman, unfortunately). It�s were I met my husband. It paid for two of my boy�s births. It gave me a second income for a number of years after I was divorced. It gave me great familiarity with most of this town. It made me a better driver. And still, after dozens of free pizzas, it�s still my favorite pizza. I still order from them. Soon it�ll be 30 years I�ve been eating their pizza. Unbelievable!!

The years I did that, when the boys were younger, were nice in some ways. I liked driving around, listening to the radio and looking at people�s yards. I saw so many really nice houses, and got to drive in areas of town that I�d have never seen any other way. I really didn�t realize there were as many gated communities here as there are. It was very different from my regular job, so it wasn�t so bad. I could do that again, (working two jobs), as long as they were really different from each other.

You�d think my house would be quite at 2:30 am. But NO� Curtis and Philip are still awake. And now Curtis is in here sitting next to me, reading over my shoulder and torturing the cat. Well� not really torturing him, but petting him when he�d rather not be. Ah� Stormy is resting again, and Curtis has gone back to doing whatever he was doing.

Why, oh why am I still awake? I feel stressed out� and tired. Sleeping would be best for me, but here I sit. I can�t believe I had a massage last Friday. Every muscle in my neck, shoulders and back hurt. I know it is stress� hours sitting at my PC working. Thursday I sat there for almost 12 hours working on that project. Gah! Oh how I wish I could afford to get a massage every Friday. I�d really love just once to be able to just fall asleep after my massage rather then getting up, getting dressed and driving home. I am so relaxed at the end that sleeping is exactly what I want to do, but by the time I get home the feeling has passed.

::sighs:: My house is cracking again. I have a crack that has developed in the ceiling in my bedroom. It�s not big, but just 2 years ago I spent $10K to fix things. It�s definitely helped, but I hoped it wouldn�t move again� at all. I�m not going to think about that. Is it a wonder that I am thinking about a new job� new career? I have to be able to take care of all these things on my own. Fortunately I know that I am perfectly capable of holding it all together and accomplishing whatever it is that I need to accomplish. But some days it all really makes me tired to think about.

I�m really wishing to escape into some fictitious world. I�ve been thinking again about writing. Wish something brilliant would come to mind and I would just sit down and write it, but it isn�t. Reading books helps, I love the worlds that are conjured up there. I like the �Star Trek� world. It�s a pretty utopian look at the future. I like to think that it�ll some how work that way.

I�ll probably go back now and watch the 7 years of �Voyager� again� in my world �Star Trek� plays almost every night. I stay up far too long watching it, but I continue to do it every night.

As you can see my mind is hopping all over the place. I�m fatigued, but awake. I need to take something again for this headache. I�ve taken Aleve and some Ibuprofen stuff, looking for Tylenol PM now. My word I down a lot of pain meds, just over the counter stuff, because I never really complain and demand anything from my doctor. I sleep on a heating pad as well.

It�s nearly 3 am now. I need to try to go to sleep. The sadness hasn�t passed yet, but perhaps sleeping will help.

I�ve rambled on and on tonight. Probably no one will make it to this point reading, but thanks for listening anyway. Sometimes it really feels nice to just reach out, even if no one reaches back, even if I was the only one who ever read all of this stuff, it still helps.

Sweet dreams. M.