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December 08, 2005 - Thursday, 10:56 p.m.
Iím not sleeping very well. I have been up well past midnight every night this week. Iím exhausted tonight, so perhaps Iíll fall asleep by midnight. That would be nice. Itís been terribly cold this week. An aberration for here!! Itís hovered around zero all week, and hasnít gotten above freezing since the end of last week. Amazing, the snow is staying on the ground. It reminds me of Minnesota. Itíll warm up soon and Colorado weather will return.
Itís been an interesting week. A lady from work has come by my cubical and talked to me a couple of times this week. Sheís talked about a long distance relationship that she was looking to end and was struggling with. We talked about relationships. Itís strange that I am where I am right now. After 13 years of wishing and hoping for a relationship, I think I am content with my life and I guess I am ready to let that all go. It isnít making me sad, which is odd. It just feelsÖ hmmmmÖ I guess pointless. Iíve so many things Iíd still like to do before Iím done here. I figure I have about 40 more years, which amazingly enough puts me over half way through my life. (Most likely).
I have a lot of things Iíve been meaning to do in my life, and there is no time like the present. I have a great number of books that Iíd like to read, some are fantasy/science fiction, but a large number are historical books, a number on the history of the faith. Iíve piles of books and itís kind of a strange thought, but really there are so many books in the world, no one could even get close to reading them all in a life time. You just have to do the best that you can.
I am lucky. I really do like my own company. I like the quiet times in the evening. I love to be able to do whatever I want to do with my free time. I can stay up half the night or crawl into bed at 6:30 pm. I watch what I want to watch in the evenings, and if I want to watch TV until 3 am, no one says anything. I can clean like a mad woman, or just let it stack up. Many nights I donít make anything for dinner. Often I eat very little in the evening and no one is busting my chops about it. Itís nice to have that freedom. I spend my money on what I want, and no one yells at me because Iíve spent too much on movies, books or candles. :o) If I want to game until 2 am on a work night, no one even notices. Itís nice. I can go hang out with who ever I want. I love having people stop by and visit some evenings. Itís almost always family, but that is who I want to see most of the time anyway. I like having Maqui, Kyle and Maleah come by, or Megan, Camille, or Char or Lynn or their kids. My kidís friendsÖ who ever. I like controlling my little piece of the world. You know, Iíve spent a lot of time in the last decade thinking about what Iím missing, I think itís about time to think about the good things that come with being on my own. Thatís where I am.In a lot of ways Phil pushed me here. Some how I thought I was missing so much, but I really wasnít. Sitting around hoping someone will call you or care is really wasted time. This IS my life, and I do like it, just as it is. I never thought Iíd get to a place where Iíd be okay with going on from here until the end on my own. I think I am there.
Iíve really been thinking about this for the last few weeks. Itís settling into my mind. As itís begun to settle Iíve found myself working a lot. I guess I made a decision at some point in time that Iím going to throw myself into my career. Itís going to be a big hunk of my life (especially time wise). Iíll end up one of those people that is either working until all hours of the night or completely wasting time doing stuff like watching movies or playing on the computer.
This is my life and itís slipping by far too fast to spend so much time wishing things were different. I just need to live my lifeÖ
Sweet DreamsÖ M.