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November 16, 2005 - Wednesday, 9:51 p.m.

Thinking... and pondering...

It�s been dark the last couple of nights when I left work. It always seems odd to go home in the dark. It seems the days are already getting shorter. I suppose that makes sense, we are well into November already. Tonight as I was walking out to my car, I notice Phil had started his truck at the other end of the lot. I know he saw me; he even took an extra look as he passed by me while I was unlocking my car. I don�t know what he is thinking, but I�m sure he didn�t give it an extra thought after he left the parking lot.

I have felt lazy the last couple of nights. I don�t want to DO anything. Last night and tonight I laid in the bathtub and read. It�s quiet and warm in there. No one seems to bother me. It�s been that way all my life. When I was a teenager, my sisters didn�t bother me either. It was a nice quiet place where no one bothered me. I find it is VERY relaxing. My blood pressure is at its lowest after I get out of the tub. I finished off the book I�ve been working on half heartedly. It was a number of short stories on the �First Fall� in the Pern books by McCaffrey. I�m now ready for another novel, but I think I�ll wait until the semester is over.

Work has been terribly busy. There are a number of projects on my plate and not enough time. I have to do a paper this week and a presentation for class Monday night. It�s been a good week for getting up on time. I�ve gotten into work around 8 each morning and headed home after 5 pm. I�ve not slept well, a number of wakeful evenings. Monday night I had class and was up until nearly 2 am. Last night it was well after midnight before I fell asleep. I am tired tonight, but restless. I�ll have all my hours in by noon on Friday, so either I can work a little overtime, or head home.

I�ve gotten tickets for �Harry Potter� for the 10 pm show on Friday night. It�ll be just Megan, Moon and me. I am looking forward to it very much!!

I know I�ve been quiet a lot lately. Seems a lot of things are on my mind. Monday, I had my meeting with Rod. He is my bosses-bosses-boss and a VP. I worked directly for him when I was in Planning five years ago or so. It went well I think. He is very open to trying to see where I might fit in with my new degree. He doesn�t really want my eighteen years of experience to walk out the door. He asked me what I thought I might like to do. I told him, that I wasn�t sure, but felt that I�d probably be happier managing projects rather then people. He told me that project management has been an issue from his point of view and is something that he�ll be looking at in January or so. He said he�d like to hear my ideas on things that need to be taken care of in his organization He said he�d like to hear my opinion. He also asked me to spend some time thinking about what I really like doing and feel I am good at, and think about it in regards to project management. He said I should look at this as though I was a consultant walking into the company. Ask questions, write things down. And then write something up on it for him to read. This will help me whether I stay with the company or go on to something else. It is really a time to pull together my thoughts on where I am going from here. I really felt like he was open to the idea, but really wants to see �what I am made of.� That works for me. It�s certainly something to work on over the next few months.

I�ve been reading the �Seven Valleys.� I read a little of it every day. I�ve been reading it out loud to myself. I find that I �listen� better when I speak. I�ve always thought that I�d really enjoy reading to someone else. I know that when L was in the hospital a few years back, I would go by in the late evening after her daughter was asleep and read to her. I think I read 3 books to her there. I read a novel to my kids when they were younger. My sister has read to her husband most of their marriage. They�ve read a lot of books over the 24 years. ANYway� It�s been interesting to read. It basically tells of the journey that we make to our spirituality. It was revealed by Bah�u�ll�h and is very mystical. There is much to interpret and gives one much to think about. The Seven Valleys one progresses through are (in order): The Valley of Search, The Valley of Love, The Valley of Knowledge, The Valley of Unity, The Valley of Contentment, The Valley of Wonderment and the last valley � The Valley of True Poverty and Absolute Nothingness. In the Faith investigation of the truth is an individual responsibility. We need to read things and figure out what it means to us. We often talk to people about what we read, but mostly we are left to apply it within our own hearts and minds. I�ve read bits and pieces of this all my life, I�ve probably read the whole thing before, but it feels like I am reading some of it for the first time. I�ve always tried to figure out what Valley I�ve progressed through in my life thus far. I can see pieces of the first three in my life, but it doesn�t seem like I�ve actually gotten through ANY of them. It�s beautifully written, almost like a poem. In my reading, thus far, I have gotten to reading the 3rd Valley. I suppose in many ways, the reason I have such a connection to the idea that our life is like a journey, comes from reading this book.

I�ve also been trying to say my prayers regularly. I don�t seem to have much discipline and I am working on that. I�ve been pretty good the last week. In Ruhi, one of the quotes we�ve memorized keeps creeping into my mind. �Bring thyself to account each day, ere thou art summoned to a reckoning.� To me this says, �Review each day. Have you made the most of it? Have you done the things that you should? Are you proud of this day and what you accomplished? If not make tomorrow better.� This is a good idea to do daily, as no man knows at what hour he will die.

I�ve been trying to do that.

I am tired tonight. I can hear the kids and smell food cooking. Curtis came by a few minutes ago and asked, �What�s for dinner?� I said, �What are you making?� I don�t think he is the one cooking in there, but now I think he is helping. I just started smelling the food a few minutes ago. The TV is on in the living room and I can hear the rumble of the bass from Curt�s room. They sound to be arguing, but whenever I say something about it, they ALWAYS say, �We are just talking!� I don�t know that Justin is home from work on his break yet, but Moon is probably cooking something for him. I haven�t eaten tonight, and I imagine that I should. It�s nearly 10 pm. It�s nice and quiet in my room, and I�m burning candles. Phil�s is almost gone. Only a few more times and I�ll be unable to light it any more.

Jim came by today and asked if I�d gone to the blues jam lately. I said no. He asked why not, and I told him that I don�t have anyone to go with. He agreed that going and sitting alone isn�t much fun and he could understand why I might not go. He told me that he�s quit the band he was in and has started one of his own. He said that the guy that ran that band was a jerk, and at least he KNOWS the jerk this time. :o)

Sounds like Moon and Philip are fighting, and Curtis is making noise. They argue SO much. I should realize that Philip just likes to argue, however I just don�t. I like everything to be peaceful and calm. I like everyone to get along and voices to stay pleasant. That is how I am and I find contentment in the calm. My life will be terribly quiet once the boys all head out into the world. It isn�t too many years away now. I don�t know that I�ll really like that either. Looks like you just can�t make me happy. :o)

Sweet dreams. M.

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